The 10 Manliest Steakhouses in America

If you’re like me and you revel in the fact that you have a big hairy sack of balls swinging between your legs, then you might be interested to know about some of the most manly places to sink your teeth into a chunk of beef. Here’s a list of places that I think would be perfect for your next steak night dinner, in no particular order, and based on personal experience or intense research:

1) Keen’s Steakhouse: Talk about manly. This place used to be men only, until some badass, take-no-bullshit broad waltzed in and started a revolution. But aside from the old time “men only” atmosphere, this place also rocks some manly taxidermy of game that was actually hunted by Teddy Roosevelt himself. The walls are filled with history, in fact. There’s even a playbill on the wall from the night Lincoln was assassinated.
72 West 36th Street, New York, NY 10018

2) Cattleman’s Steakhouse: Everything is big in Texas, as the saying goes. This place lives up to that old adage, because several of the menu items are advertised on the menu in POUNDS instead of girly ounces. The place sits on a sprawling ranch with tons of cool shit all around you, including nice scenery.
3450 S Fabens Carlsbad Rd, Fabens, TX 79838

3) George Martin’s Strip Steak: If you’re on your way out to the North Fork wineries, Fire Island, Montauk or the Hamptons for a weekend out of the Big Apple, make a pit-stop at this sleepy restaurant located on a dark neighborhood road near the Great South Bay. This place actually used to be a brothel back in the day, and there are even ghost stories and tales of hauntings to go along with all the nice T&A you see on the walls in this joint (classy nudes).
60 River Rd, Great River, NY 11739

4) Strip House: While we’re on the subject of clothes-less broads, we would be smart to mention this place, where you can also see a nice variety of old timey B&W tits and ass photos on the walls (again, classy nudes – nothing raunchy, unfortunately). If you’re out in Vegas with the guys, this is the perfect place to get the juices flowing with a solid dinner pre-game. I know one of the chefs who runs these restaurants and trains staff, so I can personally vouch for the incredible quality of the food and service here. Just wait until AFTER the meal to drink yourself into temporary memory loss. Trust me – you won’t want to forget this meal.
3667 S Las Vegas Blvd, Las Vegas, NV 89109

5) The Big Texan: What better way to celebrate manhood than to get involved with a steak eating contest at this Route 66 landmark legend of a restaurant? This place is famous for its 72oz steak challenge. You have to finish in an hour. Any man worth his weight in chest hair should be able to do this. But here’s the real kicker: the record is held by a woman, and she did TWO 72oz steaks in 15 fucking minutes!
7701 Interstate E 40, Amarillo, TX 79118

6) Gibson’s: The vibe here just oozes manliness. The old fashioned wood paneled walls, the photos of celebs and famous folks who have dined there, and the classic, iconic Chicago signage out front… it all just makes you salivate for a steak and martini.
1028 North Rush Street, Chicago, IL 60611

7) Mastro’s Ocean Club: This spot takes manly to the upscale level. This is the kind of place that men go to when they want to flash some coin for a great meal with great ambiance. This joint is literally ON the beach, so they even have a fantastic seafood selection if you’re feeling a little pussyish.
18412 Pacific Coast Hwy, Malibu, CA 90265

8) Dickie Brennan’s: This place is on the fancy side, but it comes correct. It also helps that it’s in a pretty awesome party town; New Orleans, right in the French Quarter. You can end your day of boozing and bluesing here with a nice fat steak before continuing the Bourbon Street debauchery well into the night.
716 Iberville St, New Orleans, LA 70130

9) Kevin Rathbun Steak: This jont delivers manly sized portions with the expertise of high caliber fine dining. Most joints go big but sacrifice quality in the process. Not the case here. The decor is pretty nice too: gray brick walls, metallic tree branch lighting and stained glass. This is your “converted warehouse” sort of joint, and as a man with hairy gonads, I like warehouses and all things industrial.
154 Krog St NE, Atlanta, GA 30307

10) Murray’s Steakhouse: This place keeps it classy, and has been for nearly 70 years. When you look at the restaurant from the street, you’ll think you’re on a movie set or that you just stepped off a fucking time machine, back into the golden age of America, when times were simpler. This joint boasts an impressive selection of beef cuts in an incredible variety of styles. It was opened up by a husband and wife team in 1946, so it makes a great romantic date spot as well as a destination for steak night with the guys.
26 S 6th St, Minneapolis, MN 55402

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2 thoughts on “The 10 Manliest Steakhouses in America”

  1. Get your ass to Phoenix, Arizona and try Durant’s. Opened in 1950 by a pit boss from Vegas, it’s all red leather and wood. John Wayne and Clark Gable were regulars back when men were men. You even enter through the back door and pass through the kitchen, Goodfellas style.

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