Category Archives: Other Cuts

Filet Mignon, Latin/Mexican & Caribbean, Other Cuts, Restaurant Reviews, Rib Eye, Steakhouse Reviews, Tribeca

Churrascaria Tribeca

August 13, 2012 Johnny Prime Leave a comment

Churrascaria Tribeca

UPDATE: THIS PLACE IS NOW CLOSED!!! However, the midtown west location is very similar to this location, so it can be read as a review of the midtown spot. I give the flavor 8/10, but despite this being a “steakhouse” I am not giving it the full review treatment.

One of the greatest things to do in the meat world is experience Brazilian Rodizio, otherwise known as “all you can eat steak.” For a true carnivore, this is about one of the best experiences one can ever have. Waiters come around with huge skewers loaded with slabs of meat, and they carve it right off onto your plate. Not only that, but there are upwards of 15 types of meat at most good places. You can sit there for hours eating, taking breaks, loading up again, etc. They give you a coaster that is red on one side and green on the other. Green means go. Green means meat. Green means eat. Flip it to red if you need a little break (because you are a pussy). Also – I apologize for not having any photos of the meal. I was just too hungry to whip out my camera, and all you would see, really, is just a pile of various meats on a plate (rather confusing). PLEASE NOTE: This place is not a real deal steakhouse like the others I have reviewed here. This is a special type of joint for the reasons mentioned above. Anyway – read on, dicks.

Flavor:

Everything here is amazing. After a waiter makes his rounds with the skewered meat and slices pieces away from the hunk, the newly exposed portions are re-seasoned and kissed with heat again. This is great because every bite you eat is perfectly mouth watering, juicy, well seasoned, and delicious. You almost never get an over-cooked or dry piece of meat, with the exception of maybe chicken breast. Honestly, I can write a 10,000 word review of how each meat tasted and how each was spiced and seasoned, but it would take forever for you to read, and all you would really come away with at the end was: “Okay. This place is fucking awesome.” My reviews are long enough already. My personal favorites were the flank steak, the garlic sirloin, and the prime rib (see below for all the options available).

Choice of Cuts & Quality Available:

There is almost TOO much variety here. I say almost because there really can never be too much to choose from, if it is all done well. Diners can choose from sausage, chicken (drumettes and breast), garlic sirloin, top sirloin, flank, Parmesan crusted pork loin, bacon wrapped turkey, prime rib, pork ribs, beef ribs, roasted lamb, bacon wrapped filet, duck legs, and whole roasted pig (with crispy skin and pineapple sauce). Fucking unbelievable. Now, understand that this is not a “sit-down and order a steak” restaurant setting. You sit down, and then you get delicious food delivered to you like a sultan. They don’t have the traditional four cuts of steak parading around on plates, but the choices and variety here are all perfectly executed. They may be using choice mixed with prime, but it makes no difference. Believe me. They treat their meet with great care.

Portion Size & Plating:

Here, you make your own portion sizes. You can have the man carve you 10 slices of prime rib if you want, or you can just take one slice and collect an array of different meat slices. It is up to you to get your money’s worth. Eat, then go down to the bathroom and make yourself puke so you have more room. That’s what the Roman’s did.

Price:

Our total bill came to $62 per person (tax and tip included!). That was for two Rodizio style dinners and two beers. Beers are only $6 here, but they are also only about 10 ounces each (smaller mugs, not pints). Dinner at regular price is about $60, but my friend and I took advantage of Savored’s deal for 30% off, so that was a great help to an already extremely fair-priced dinner.

Bar:

The bar here is great but not perfect. It is modern, sleek, well decorated, and it has a lounge feel. The restaurant is in a great tribeca location, so it gets hopping from time to time. I used to live in the area and I always remember it being crowded in the outdoor seating area and near the bar. They often have live music too, which is great. One of the great things about Churrascaria and Brazilian places in general is that you can order a caipirinha and people won’t look at you like a space alien. The caipirinha is Brazil’s national cocktail, and it is made with rum, sugar in the raw, and lime (though at Churrascaria places they usually offer a massive variety of tropical fruit flavors). It’s great. Try one.

Specials and Other Meats:

There are no specials… though you really don’t need specials when everything is so good, and you get so much to choose from without having to commit to any one dish. I think these places can be PERFECT is they just serve, say, one special item that varies each week. Maybe one week it is venison, and another week it is wild boar, or quail. As you can tell, aside from beef, this place has a massive variety of beef substitutes to choose from, so full points are awarded.

Apps, Sides & Desserts:

On the table there is a little piece of paper with about 15 different sides listed. These are all included in your purchase price. You can order as many as you want. We tried the fried bananas (delicious – almost like dessert). And yes they were BANANAS and not plantains. We also tried the black beans and the mashed potatoes. The beans were better than the mashed, and I, personally, could have skipped all the sides since you are eating so much meat to begin with. In fact, in all my times going to this place (this was my fourth trip) I don’t think I ever ordered a side before. People: it’s all about the meat. But if you want, get the fried bananas for dessert and ask for a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. They do have a dessert menu too, but we were too full on meat to even look at it. Also important to mention here is the salad bar. Free with your dinner is as many visits to the salad bar as you want. This is more like a seafood bar, so see below for more info, but the salad bar can be a full meal in itself. Everything there is great, and in fact diners can choose “just the salad bar” as their meal for a cheaper cost.

Seafood Selection:

The salad bar houses all the seafood that this place offers. There is shrimp cocktail, sushi (both rolls and pieces), calamari salad, octopus salad, shrimp salad, mussel salad, crab salad, various forms of ceviche, bacon (YES!), fresh mozzarella and olives, hearts of palm, all sorts of baked fish casseroles, stewed fish in various sauces, and some leafery. The only things absent were oysters, clams and lobster (unless I missed them somehow). I took a couple of points for that (and the octo was a little tight), but realize that this is a Brazilian joint; the fish you expect to see should differ from what you expect at an American steakhouse. Everything I had was delicious, and you can easily focus ONLY on the salad bar and ignore all the meat yet still have a great meal here. The salad bar is almost just as impressive as the meat.

Service:

The service here is really awesome. You truly feel like a king when the food just keeps coming around non-stop, and the meat is carved directly onto your plate. The waiters are all friendly, well dressed, and they carve the meat very professionally, with machete-like blades that measure about two feet long. They come take your plate away when it gets loaded with scraps, and bring you a fresh one for the next set of meat. There’s not much else you can ask for.

Ambiance:

The decor here is very tribeca. High ceilings, exposed duct work, chic, clean, neat, and industrial. It is elegant however, and very spacious (hence “very tribeca”). I was a little hot at first, but I chalk that up to the meat sweats. The bathroom has a nice clean rustic-looking tile job, and the live entertainment beside the bar was classy jazz (piano, light percussion and vox).

Filet Mignon, Flash Deals, Midtown East, Other Cuts, Steakhouse Reviews

Sparks

May 19, 2012 Johnny Prime Leave a comment

Sparks overall score: 70

This review is based on my third or fourth trip to Sparks. I’ve been here a bunch, but not since I started reviewing steakhouses. See below for the verdict. In 2001 the NY Post called this place the greatest steakhouse in Manhattan. I disagree, vehemently. See below:

Flavor: 6

I had the “prime sirloin” on the recommendation of the waiter; their “signature steak.” I asked for medium rare, but what I received was a jumble of medium rare, rare and flat out RAW. I had to ask the guy to re-fire it as I got into the center of the cut, and even then it was under cooked when it came back – still raw and rare in parts. My buddy ordered his filet medium, and his too came back mostly medium rare, rare and RAW. This is unacceptable, and the taste was lacking big time (4/10). The filet bite that I did have was good, however (8/10). My “prime sirloin” was good around the edges, where it was cooked, but otherwise the inside had all the tell-tale signs of NOT being a true strip; so I was lied to. Not all Sirloin is strip. There were stringy, uncooked white ribbons of connective tissue, some chewy, dense areas, and lots of under cooked portions. If you are dead set on eating here, do yourself a favor and stick to the somewhat safe filet (it’s fine – just a slight bit under seasoned), and order it a step or two past what you normally like in terms of done-ness. On a subsequent trip, we did a filet and a lobster – no complaints, but I did know to order it medium if I wanted a steak somewhere in the “rare to medium rare” range.

sparks undercooked — still rare after the second firing

Choice of Cuts & Quality Available: 5

Another steakhouse without a ribeye on the menu; but no porterhouse here either!?!!?? What the fuck is going on? This “lacking certain basic cuts” trend needs to stop, otherwise JP will become very pissed. I could swear I had a ribeye here in the past… but maybe not. Sparks has all aged prime beef, but I think they may be using lesser cuts – in other words – they offer a prime aged sirloin instead of a real strip that is cut from a porterhouse. Or they use the “strip” side of a lesser quality t-bone (not a porterhouse). I saw shell steak on the menu here masquerading as a real cut of beef. Are you fucking serious? I don’t care if it is prime shell steak; it’s still a fucking piece of trash shell steak and not one of the four main cuts! I know places that serve CHOICE beef that scored higher, because they prepare them correctly and they actually ARE real steakhouse cuts like porterhouse, strip and ribeye. Is Sparks freaking joking with this? I suspected other places of doing it as well, and gave the benefit of the doubt, but I am not letting is slide anymore. Nope. They say “aged prime sirloin” instead of strip. Technically they are not from the same area in the anatomy of a cow! Go get some porterhouses, some real strips, and some fucking ribeyes for fuck’s sake! Like I said, EVEN IF THEY ARE CHOICE it is better! These people are acting like “prime beef” is the same as Kobe or some shit. I can understand a “Kobe” t-bone, or a “Kobe” sirloin, or a “Kobe” shell steak on a menu. Doing this is good because it is offering really great meat from a lesser cut so that the non-wealthy masses can try what really amazing meat tastes like. Kobe is special (even the faux versions), so offering a lesser cut is a great idea (otherwise something like a Kobe ribeye would be around $50-$100 an ounce). Listen – anyone can age a choice cut of meat to taste like prime in their garage or basement; but prime is not that big of a deal! I hope people understand what I am saying in this really long rant here, because this is a really dubious, evil, manipulative trend that is happening at very pricey steakhouses. Unless you know beef like I do, you might not comprehend what is happening (see my steak basics and cuts/anatomy blog posts from way back for a refresher). Anyway… Sparks also does a lot of “sliced steaks” on their menu. No good. Keep it simple, and keep it whole. I’m a big boy. I can cut my own meat.

Portion Size & Plating: 8

Sizes here are good – you will be full if you can eat your cut of beef, assuming they cook it properly when you go. I left about 4oz of beef on my plate because it was raw, even after the second firing of my steak. The filet, however, was a good size, and very tasty on my next visit. Keep it safe.

Price: 7

The price is good for NYC at $40 to $47 for the steaks, but the trade off is you are getting lesser quality meat cuts. We had a Bloomspot deal that cost $115 for $200 worth of food and drinks (excluding tax/tip), so that helped a lot. Otherwise I wouldn’t go here again on a dare. We were out of pocket $235, but it was really a $320 meal. For that price it should have been perfect, and they didn’t know we were using a coupon/gift certificate until after we ate dessert.

Bar: 8

The bar at Sparks is okay. I prefer the bar at Keens; it has a similar look, though here it is tucked away from the windows and in the center of the restaurant. The martini was made perfectly, and there is a great selection of rare booze. Down side – they don’t offer beer on tap, and the beer they did have in bottles was slightly skunked.

IMG_20120728_164843 — top view of my martini

Specials and Other Meats: 6

On special Sparks had NOTHING. For alternative meat selection they had veal and lamb. NO CHICKEN – I love it. Ballsy. But they should consider adding some real steaks to their menu, instead of shell and sirloin, even if they have to charge $10 more for each.

Apps, Sides & Desserts: 7

When I came here in the past, the lump crab meat cocktail had bits of flaky shells in it, twice (original order and replacement order). The same was true this time around. The hash browns were very small in size for $9, though they were good. The creamed spinach ABSOLUTELY SUCKED. It was watery, not creamy, unseasoned, had a horrible texture, and just all around tasted like dog shit (because we all know what that tastes like, right?). The Caesar salad was delicious and a great size to share for two. The oysters ($3 each) were creamy, fresh and delicious. The best part of the meal though, besides getting up and leaving, was the pecan walnut pie for dessert. VERY good. On another visit I tried the sauteed spinach (garlic & oil). It was good, but lacked salt & pepper (Seasoning 101).

IMG_20120728_172157 — oyster app (gigantoysters)

Seafood Selection: 10

Sparks has a ton of seafood to choose from. On the menu there is sole, seabass, red snapper, and shrimp for entrees, but they also have a smattering of items featured at the top of the menu for some reason as well. These include halibut, salmon, tuna, swordfish, trout, lobster (three size/price categories, up to 5.5lbs – $90), crab, and scallops. Perhaps Sparks should change their name to “Sparks Fish House” instead of “Sparks Steakhouse,” because there are way more REAL CUTS to choose from in the seafood department than the meat department. Oh well. As far as apps go, they have all the shellfish basics, and as I said above, the oysters were legit. The lobster is good as well.

Service: 6

The waiter was nice and attentive, but no one wished me happy birthday (as mentioned on the reservation note), and he also flat out lied to me about the “prime sirloin” being the same as a strip steak. I call bullshit. Sorry buddy. You were nice, but when we drop $235 on a meal, I expect to be treated with honesty and served good food that I will remember for days to come (for the right reasons). The table bread was hot and crispy, but the butter was cold. Not a big deal in the grand scheme of things in this meal. Also… Halfway through my glass of water I noticed that the INSIDE was disgusting. A yellowish crud-crust was clinging to one side up the entire length of the glass. God knows what I put into my body by drinking that shit.

Ambiance: 7

Sparks is known for its infamous mafia hit, which occurred right outside the restaurant… and it is decorated with the expected mafioso look. Dark musty interior, gaudy patterned rugs, wide open dining space. It could almost be in Little Italy if it weren’t for its immense size. It is nice and traditional inside, with all the waiters being male and wearing white tops with ties of some kind.

SPARK’S
210 E. 46th St.
New York, NY 10017

Filet Mignon, Flash Deals, Midtown East, Other Cuts, Porterhouse, Press Reviews, Rib Eye, Steakhouse Reviews

Club A

November 9, 2011 Johnny Prime Leave a comment

Club A overall score: 86

UPDATE 5/6/18

I finally had the chance to come back in to Club A and dig on some steaks from the regular menu. The older review below was based on two meals where we used a Groupon and were limited to what we could order. This time I was here for some Instagram photos, so my wife and I tried both the rib eye and the porterhouse. Here’s how it went down:

Porterhouse: 9/10

This baby was nearly perfect. I only took a point because the seasoning was a hair too light. Otherwise the strip side had a really great texture, and the filet side was as soft as a baby’s ass.

Watch as this baby came to the table:

The photos and video make it look very overcooked, but it was just my light shining too hard. It may have been closer to medium than medium rare, but there was plenty of pink to go around.

We really enjoyed this.

Rib Eye: 8/10

This could have used a little more salt, and I only detected the dry aging on the edges by the small cap muscle, but we destroyed every ounce of it.

This baby was perfectly cooked.

Dead on medium rare.

We actually start with the steak tartare.

Here’s a yolk pop and mix video:

This was really nice. Very tender and flavorful.

Bread basket is on point:

Negroni at the bar was very refreshing and well mixed:

Great ambiance both inside and outside. They have live jazz on Thursdays, Fridays and Saturdays, and a private room upstairs that I didn’t know existed.

Loved this on the back of the menu:

And the service is impeccable. They even brought out a pair of mushroom ravioli, carrots, and mac and cheese for us even though we didn’t order them:

The dessert plate came out for us gratis as well. Look at how pretty this is:

New Score Totals: 86/100

Flavor: 8
Choice of Cuts & Quality Available: 9
Portion Size & Plating: 8
Price: 10
Bar: 7
Specials & Other Meats: 9
Apps, Sides & Desserts: 8
Seafood Selection: 9
Service: 10
Ambiance: 8

OLD REVIEW:

As nearly all NYCers know, Club A has been running an enticing promotion on Groupon since the Spring of 2011: $80 four course dinner for two, with a bottle of wine included (now $99 for the same deal in 2017). Here’s my review, though I kinda wish my wife stopped Geoffrey Zakarian on the street and begged him to cook us a private meal. She passed by him on her way to meet me.

Flavor:7

The choice of beef cuts with the special deal were either an 8oz filet or a 10oz hanger steak. Naturally, I chose the hanger cut, because I think it shows more finesse and skill to prepare a good hanger steak than it does to whip up a filet. Also, the hanger generally has more flavor and character than the monotonous and generally same-at-every-place-you-go filet can have. My steak was good. It had decent flavor, but it was not tenderized or aged in any noticeable way to enhance it. Parts were stringy, which means the fat was not allowed to break down in the aging process.

It came to me just how I ordered. I asked for medium rare, and I was given medium rare. This cut has a tendency to be tough, so a fast cooking approach with a slice on the bias or a slow, long braise is generally best. I’ve had a better hanger steak at non-steakhouses. 7/10.

My wife had the veal shank osso buco on our first trip here, which was better than my steak that first time around. I had originally given the hanger a 6/10, but after the second trip I bumped it to a 7/10. On the second trip, my wife had the filet.

This was tender and had nice flavor throughout. It was cooked to a perfect medium rare and had a good sear on the outside. 8/10.

Choice of Cuts & Quality Available: 9

Club A has the standard selection of steaks on their regular menu, plus some special cuts and high quality meats like “Kobe” rib eyes and prime aged stuff. Perhaps my flavor review would be higher if I had ordered off the regular menu, but these were test visits. I’m not sprinting to go back, but I definitely would because I see good potential. Perhaps if someone insists, I will try it again.

Portion Size & Plating: 8

The portion sizes were good, and the plating was above average. The veal osso buco came with a mini fork to get the marrow out of the bone – nice touch. The hanger was pre-sliced, properly on the bias, and served with a watery gravy (but good). The bacon appetizer was a generous half-inch thick slice of heaven.

Price: 9

The price was great – $80 for four courses each, plus a bottle of wine (now $99). The quality didn’t quite exceed the value, but I guess they have to draw the line somewhere to distinguish between the bargain menu and their regular menu. Prices for regular items are standard NYC steakhouse prices.

Bar: 7

There is a small bar in the front of the restaurant – not impressive, but nicely set up.

There is also a larger bar upstairs splitting the front and rear dining areas, but these spots aren’t the kind of place you go to hang out. The upstairs bar seems to be unmanned, though I’m not sure if it gets more lively at night.

The martini was nice, but the atmosphere pales in comparison to other steakhouse bars. This is a neighborhood joint though, not a major steakhouse attraction, so allow some leeway. The waffle cut potato chips on the bar were a nice snack.

Specials and Other Meats: 9

I must say, the menu is full of meatery. Aside from the special beef cuts, they also have a prime pork chop, veal, chicken, sausage, and lamb. They’ve covered all the bases with various sizes as well.

Apps, Sides & Desserts: 7

The bacon app was fantastic on the first visit, but just good on the second. Recently I’ve had better. It wasn’t too salty, and for the most part it had a good amount of fat balanced with the meaty parts.

On my first visit, the steak tartare was sub-par: over cut with capers, red onion and other doo-dads; it tasted yummy, but it seemed short on actual meat. Also, some of the consistency was chewy, like they didn’t trim the fat off before chopping. On the second visit, there was a noted improvement to this dish, though it seemed to lack a bit of seasoning.

The sides were decent. I liked the creamed spinach, despite it being a bit thin or watery. The mac & cheese was delicious, however, with an awesome cheese crust on the top.

As for dessert, the tiramisu and cream puffs tasted homogeneous. Similar textures (aside from the crunch of the profiterole shell), similar flavors… dull. The profiterole shells, I think, need to be dusted with powdered sugar right when they come out of the fryer. They tasted a bit savory rather than sweet. The chocolate mousse they sat upon was delicious, however.

Seafood Selection: 9

Decent selection of seafood, even a manly fish like swordfish made its presence known on the menu. There are good sounding alternatives for the vaginal.

Service: 8

Good service, attentive. There was an assortment of varied warm and room temperature table breads to snack on.

They ranged from sweet to salty. Butter was still cold, and steak sauce tasted like it was 90% ketchup.

Ambiance: 7

At first I hated the place. Dimly lit with red tones all over, typical framed photos of celebs on the walls, a cheap looking but pretty gas fireplace on the back wall of the first floor dining room, and cheese-bag electronic lounge music playing like we are at “Centro-Fly” from a decade ago. But then the music switched to instrumental funk, jazz and crooner… and we went upstairs… WOW – Beautiful view of the lit trees out the floor to ceiling windows in the front of the building. Non-traditional and small, but stunning.

On my second visit, the music was more along the “golden oldies” lines, and I still liked the upstairs better than the downstairs.

CLUB A
240 E. 58th St.
New York, NY 10022

Full Points for Flavor, Midtown West, Other Cuts, Porterhouse, Rib Eye, Steakhouse Reviews

Keens

September 30, 2011 Johnny Prime 7 Comments

Keens overall score: 96

Keens holds a special place in my heart, and is easily one of my favorite places in NYC. The ceiling is lined with clay churchwarden tobacco pipes. I’m talking EVERYWHERE. I smoke a pipe on occasion, and I almost always use a churchie, so when I first found out about this place back in 2003 or 2004, I was flipping out. I went once back then and had a porterhouse with my wife, who was my girlfriend at the time. This time I was with a group of friends, so I got to taste much more of the menu. Interesting factoid – Keens had a fire and lost all their records of who owned what pipes. All they have left are the serial numbers written on them. Many a famous person had one in the place, including presidents and the like. My friend Joe’s grandfather had a pipe in there, and we inquired about how to go about locating it. Bottom line – we need to know the serial number of Joe’s grandfather’s pipe. Once we find that, we can locate it in the restaurant and stare at it in awe.

Flavor: 10

I ordered a braised short rib. I know, I know. PUSSY! But let me ‘splain. Everyone shared, and Keens is known for many things. First thing they are known for: they didn’t allow women into the place until it was well beyond normal. Second, the pipes. Third, the mutton chop. And fourth, the braised short rib. I love braised meat, so I figured I would give it a shot, since the other stuff on the menu was basically covered by the other diners at the table. It was tasty and good, but a little dry. That means it was either cooked too fast, or cooked too long. Okay – no biggie. My buddy got the mutton chop, which was amazing. Nice clean gaminess, thick as hell, on a nice bone, and seasoned to a beautiful crisp. The others at the table (the same rag-tag crew from Dylan Prime) split a porterhouse for three. That was hands down the best porterhouse I have ever tried. The strip side was a little tough and chewy, but it was full of great flavor and prepared/cooked flawlessly. The filet side was perfect. PERFECT. On a second trip, the strip side far exceeded the filet side. I would give it a 9 for flavor here, but the braised item doesn’t really count now, does it? The brilliant mutton and the unbelievable porterhouse make up for it in scores.

Choice of Cuts & Quality Available: 8

They have a great selection of some really nice looking meats. As mentioned above; mutton chop, braised short rib, the porterhouse, lamb chops, pork chops… Notice anything missing? THE FUCKING RIBEYE! THEY DO NOT HAVE A RIBEYE ON THE MENU! WHY!?!??!?? I will never understand. As my dad once said; “Everyone should have rib eye… even McDonalds.” I suppose they only serve it when they have it on special? Perhaps it is so good that they only do it on occasion. I will go back, and next time they better have it on the menu (on a second trip – STILL no ribeye – but they do have prime rib). Three points off what was an in-the-bag 10 if they had even a 12oz choice cut ribeye with no marbling whatsoever. Bad move Keens. UPDATE!!! On a third visit they had a rib eye. It wasn’t the best I’ve had, but it was good (8/10). I’d say it was about 16oz, boneless, and juuicy/tender. As promised above, I have given the full award for points here, now that a ribeye has made the menu. Alas, though, I had to remove some points again because on yet another visit the rib eye was gone. I guess it is only a once in a while offering.

Portion Size & Plating: 9

I think I recall someone at the table saying they thought the portion size was small for something – perhaps the steak for three? I was a little bit buzzed up, so I can’t remember… But the mutton was massive, and I thought the steak for three was huge, especially since I ate about 6 or 8 ounces of it toward the end of the meal when everyone was getting full. The short rib was a bit lady-like, but not TOO dainty. It really is a woman’s order. Come on guys… Don’t do what I did. Get the porterhouse. The creamed spinach was normal size to slightly small, but I think they split a portion up into a few ramekins for us to share easier. I am hesitant to take a point off because I am a little fuzzy, but my heart says take one.

Price: 10

Once again, Tom picked up the damn bill (THANK YOU!), so the meal was free. It was an effort to get him to let us pay the tip. How can I give anything less than a 10? To be honest though, the prices are fair and you definitely get your money’s worth, so a 10 all the way. On trip number two, steak for two, two sides, one app, and a couple of drinks came to about $80 per person, including tax and tip – totally reasonable. Here’s a recent bill for two:

Bar: 10

Not only is the steak great, but the bar at Keens is one of my favorite places to hang out even if I am not planning on eating. It has timeless character, it is classy, it is old New York, and it is always fun. Plus they make a mean martini with nice big, fat olives. And HOLY SHIT the scotch menu is only rivaled by the Brandy Library in Tribeca in terms of selection and quality. They sport five different laphroaigs, and three different lagavulins – those are my two favorite scotches. They just don’t make places like this anymore. Martinis run about $15 here, and Keens has their own beer (made by Brooklyn brewing company, i think) – its a nice IPA, not overly hoppy.

Specials and Other Meats: 10

Like I said earlier, they have everything except ribeye. This is simply an amazing place to eat – there really is something for everyone, even vegetarian assholes. I’d like for the ribeye to be a main fixture, even if it is a “special” or off the menu. No real “specials” to mention, but for other meats the obvious star is the mutton.

Apps, Sides & Desserts: 10

We skipped apps this time around, but last time I had a lobster cocktail, which was really well done. The creamed spinach was really unique; it has a hint of clove to it that really set it apart from other places. Plus is tasted really friggin’ awesome too. For dessert I had the cask strength Laphroaig that always nearly blows my shoes off. Potent but leathery-delicious. In all honesty, this category might NOT deserve a 10. I simply didn’t try enough items. What I did try was fantastic on both trips though, so I can’t take a point in good conscience. One a second visit, I had the bacon app, which was delicious. Not quite on the level of some other joints, but still really great. We also had the french fries, which I think you would be hard pressed to find better in NYC – they are up there with the best in town.

Some apps from a second visit – halibut tartare and littleneck clams:

Dessert – creme brulee and coffee ice cream:

Bacon – perfection!

The prime rib hash browns. from the bar menu, are incredible.

Seafood Selection: 9

Sole, salmon, shrimp and lobster. Not bad! Plus all the usual apps and shellfish, with an added selection of cured salmon that I was really tempted to try. I would have liked to see a meat-eaters fish on the menu though: maybe a swordfish steak or something good and manly.

Service: 11 (only 10 scored)

“But these ones go to 11” – Nigel Tufnel. If I could give an 11, I would. Wait a second… I can! This is my game, bitches – but I won’t count the extra point. I need to maintain some level of integrity; the 11 is in spirit only. Our waiter, Chris, KNEW HIS SHIT. It is because of him that Keens is an 11 in spirit. I even TESTED him about the history of the place. He busted out a really eloquent explanation of the establishment without even sounding scripted or rehearsed. He also made really good suggestions when it came to the food, and, for his young age, even seemed to know a good deal about fine scotch (they have a menu of over 200 different scotches). Attentive, polite, not annoying or prying – just an overall good experience. On another visit, our waiter Muhammed showed us that he knew all about the history of this place as well, and was really great – a true gentleman. As far as table items – they had these really awesome, large, half-sour pickles in a tray with olives and celery. The bread was really tasty too – warm, butter easily spread, etc.

Ambiance: 11 (only 10 scored)

An 11 can go here too; for real – and same with the bar. Keens is hands down the best ambiance and atmosphere of all the steakhouses I have ever been to. It is old, but not quiet and musty. It is vibrant and fun, but not loud and annoying or over-crowded. It is manly, but also really inviting for people of all sexes (women and trannies included). This place isn’t just a restaurant – it is a destination, a landmark, an experience, a hangout. The pictures on their website don’t do it justice, and when you are in there, you feel like you are a king. The history of the place is really amazing too. I recently learned that they have an actual playbill from the theater/show during which Lincoln was assassinated (see below), and they also sport one of Teddy Roosevelt’s taxidermied hunting trophies on one of the walls.