Tag Archives: beef

Long Island, NY Strip, Restaurant Week, Rib Eye, Steakhouse Reviews

Tellers (Long Island)

September 18, 2015 Johnny Prime Leave a comment

Tellers overall score: 88

First I’d like to thank Jeff and Elizabeth for the gift card, which totally overcompensated me for the time I spent taking and editing photos of their son Jack. Tellers, formerly a bank, is a unique steakhouse in Islip, Long Island, well known for its quality and ambiance. This marks my second trip to the restaurant. I ate like a ravenous beast this time ’round, and I may fall into a deep food coma at any moment. Must type fast. See below. Third visit remarks in italics.

Flavor: 8

Tellers is good. I feel like it can be great, however. Although cooked properly in terms of doneness, I think the meat was slightly under seasoned, and the steak was not allowed to rest long enough before serving; the large pool of juices in the plate ruined some of the crisp textural components you like with a steak. For the size steak I had, I can see, however, that it would be difficult to ensure even flavoring throughout the thickness of the meat. The first time I went, I got the delmonico, which is the smaller, boneless ribeye that was included in the restaurant week prix fix (see price section below). The second time I went, I got the dry-aged 39oz bone-in ribeye; a much thicker cut (all bow to my manliness). It had some gristle, but the intra-muscular fat was good quality. I’d definitely eat here again, but this is certainly not the best steak in terms of flavor. I’ve seen average places with average quality cuts of beef do more with less. On a third trip I had the strip steak (16oz, boneless). It was still a bit under seasoned, but the crust was MUCH better, and there was pretty much NO bleed out. I ordered medium rare. it came back a bit over and slightly uneven, but still very tasty, so I didn’t mind so much.

Choice of Cuts & Quality Available: 9

Tellers offers several different cuts and several versions of each cut. There are two sized filets, as well as a Wellington preparation, a bacon wrapped filet, and a bone-in filet. They offer a boneless delmonico ribeye, as well as 21 day dry-aged NY strips (boneless), ribeyes (bone-in) and porterhouses for one or two. Additionally, they have skirt steak and other meats like lamb. On special the second time I went was a Wagyu porterhouse for two. This covers the essential four cuts, and then offers some variation and choice. Nicely done, Tellers, although I got a good look at the porterhouse steak for one, and, to be honest, it looked more like a T-bone since the filet side was quite skimpy. CAREFUL! A carnivore connoisseur like me may have sent that shit back.

Portion Size & Plating: 9

Portion sizes ranged from average to large here. The filets are 8oz (average for smaller cuts), 14oz (larger than average for regular cuts), and 14oz for the bone-in (average, given the weight of the bone included). The delmonico is about 20oz, the strip is about 16oz, and the ribeye… wait for it… is fucking 39oz. Yeah that’s right… And I ate all of that mother fucker. Suck it, you peons.

Price: 8

The first time I went to Tellers they were offering a $50 three course prix fix dinner that included wine pairings with each course; AMAZING DEAL. That was during Long Islands’s restaurant week, but Tellers regularly offers a $45 three course prix fix every Sunday and for early dining during the week (no wine included). These are seriously great deals, since it includes the boneless delmonico (if you choose the steak item). On my second trip, I had a $200 gift card in my pocket thanks to Jeff and Elizabeth. Weighing the option to use it twice on two prix fix dinners versus going all out on the regular menu, I ultimately decided to go all out to get the full experience that Tellers has to offer (since last time I did a prix fix). Our bill came to $185 (scallop app, dozen oysters, creamed spinach, 39oz ribeye, seared tuna, trio of pies, martini, and espresso), so the gift card covered everything, and then we added an additional $15 or so on the table above the $200, for a grand total of $215. As you can see, regular menu prices are a bit steep as compared to the prix fix deals for the increase in quality and portion size (I’d say flavor is about the same between prix fix items and regular menu items). If/when I go back, I will likely stick to the prix fix, since I know now that it offers the most bang for the buck. Take advantage of this expert knowledge, assholes. HEED! Below is the bill for the third visit:

Bar: 9

Tellers has a very nice bar and lounge off of the main dining room which you can access from the rear parking lot to bypass the main entryway. The full menu is available here, which is great if you ever try to go and the dining room is all booked up. Teller’s has an extensive wine list, and they make a good martini to boot (though mine was a little warm when it was first served to me). It is a cool place to hang out even if you aren’t eating. The bar itself is nice, and there is a great selection of booze, especially after dinner-type swanky drinks (several types of armagnac, grappa, single malt scotches, madiera, ports, and brandy).

Specials and Other Meats: 8

Slim on alternative meats, Tellers offers just the lamb and roasted chicken. No shame in that; the red meat is the reason why you go here. As mentioned earlier, they offered a Wagyu porterhouse for two, which gets good marks in my book as far as specials are concerned. The Wagyu was the only item off menu offered as a special, however.

Apps, Sides & Desserts: 9

The duck fat french fries are delicious, and they came FREE as we awaited our appetizers. They’re served with a really nice homemade ketchup and mustard/mayo dipping sauce on the side. Perfectly seasoned and crispy. I ordered a bakers dozen oysters. For a moment I was torn between those and little necks, but I went with the oysters. In hindsight I should have gotten a half-dozen of each to try them all out, but I was extremely pleased with the oysters. Cold, clean, fresh, creamy, smooth, and well-shucked. They shucked the shit out of those things. My wife ordered a seared scallops & mushrooms appetizer; perfectly cooked and buttery sweet. Tellers also offers a “trainwreck” potato dish, which is essentially baked potatos scooped out into a cassarole dish and cooked with several types of fine cheeses, bacon and peppers. That will fill you right up. Speaking of filling, the creamed spinach is huge; it can easily feed four people. It is not super creamy (I don’t like it overly creamy), and it is your basic quality creamed spinach; it gets the job done. For dessert, we had a trio of pies in a jar, which was fun and interesting, though extremely HOT. They were very sweet as well, and could have benefitted from a scoop of vanilla ice cream alongside to cut both the heat and the sweet. Luckily I didn’t burn my mouth this time like I did at Dylan Prime though. On our first visit here, we ordered the calamari, which were nicely breaded and crispy, but lacked seasoning/salt. The fries were also free then as well, and before dessert they brought us a small plate of home made cookies (they didn’t do that on our second visit). On the third visit, we tried the peppered bacon, the crab cakes, the brussels sprouts, and the hazelnut cheesecake. The bacon was thick – almost an inch. It was cooked in a braised fashion, soft and tender, and covered with a horseradishy BBQ type sauce. The crab cakes were a bit on the small side for the price ($17) but they were juicy, lumpy, and crispy without being too bready – and served with a yummy hollandaise sauce. The brussels sprouts were nothing to write home about. I make much better sprouts at home. I like a little crisp to mine, and there was no crisp on these. Also not enough pancetta. The hazelnut cheesecake was rich and tasty, and had a tangy smear of nutty chocolate poo beside it. See pics below:

Seafood Selection: 9

There is a great selection of seafood at Tellers. Crispy skin salmon, swordfish steak, seared tuna, lobster, stuffed flounder with crab, fresh clams and oysters, sashimi, scallops, seafood towers, and shrimp tossed with assorted seafood in pasta. If you can’t take the meat, no need to start bitchin’ – order up some seafood. They do it well here. We really enjoyed the oysters and scallop appetizers, and my wife was happy with her seared tuna. FYI – my wife is not an asshole pussy (asspussy) because she ordered fish at a steakhouse. She recently had her Charles-De-Gallbladder removed and red meats are just not sitting well with her at the moment. On the third visit my wife had the millenium lobster (2lb). It was served with very nice, creamy, super-whipped mashed potatoes. The lobster was de-shelled already when it came to the table, and topped with a spicy butter sauce. See below for the nice presentation:

Service: 9

The service here is impeccable. First, you are greeted with a lovely potato foccacia bread. It is FANTASTIC; buttery, sweet and savory, almost like a corn bread. Our attentive waiter explained and described everything to us; from how things were prepared to what they were cooked with. And I mean everything, including the foccacia, fries, steaks, apetizers – these guys really take pride in what they do, they learn the menu, and they understand the culinary arts (especially meat). The waiters all wear a formal shirt and tie, but there are women as well as men in the waitstaff. Big points on service for Tellers. We never waited on water, the check came promptly, and everything was done at a good, comfortable pace. Tellers will also go out of their way to bring something speial to the table if they know it is your birthday or anniversary. On the third trip we noticed that they no longer bring free french fries and the fresh baked pan bread to the table. That kinda sucks, since those items were almost the best part of the meal. However, we did have a great waiter named Billy, who was helpful, knowledgeable, and genuine. Top notch.

Ambiance: 10

Tellers used to be an old bank, hence the name. The main dining room sports a triple high ceiling with beautiful architecture and long, tall, elegant windows that seem to have been preserved with as much historical accuracy as possible. Seating is also available in the bar/lounge area. The old bank vault, which still has the gate and huge vault door attached, now houses a wine cellar. Bins of wine also adorn the main lobby. Very classy. It is a beautiful restaurant. There is no music in the main dining room, but you can hear it slightly, coming from the bar area. Tables are ALMOST too close, but not uncomfortable. Tellers is not a huge restaurant so they have to do what they can. The corner booths are roomy and spacious, however. Bathrooms are large and clean, and have nice thick disposable paper towels. Once in a while during the meal you might feel a slight breeze gently carry through the dining room since it has a high ceiling and there are large doors near the entryway that let the wind in when both sets of doors are opened at the same time. Two large, fake trees sit in decorative cauldrons in the dining room, giving the room an outdoors feel, especially when you look out the windows to see the uplighting on the real trees outside on the well manicured grounds. Tellers is a very pleasing and unique place to eat.

Just as a post-script, I thought I was eating a lot until I saw the couple at a neighboring table order the trainwreck potato dish, creamed spinach, and the lobster mac & cheese – all this along with their free fries, foccacia bread, porterhouse for one and seared tuna (HOLY FUCKING STARCH BATMAN). I wonder if they finished it all. That is pretty badass if they did.

UPDATE 9/13/15

I came back here for a meal after running in the inaugural Suffolk County Marathon. I burned about 3400 calories in that, my first marathon, so I was ready to pack on some fat. This joint offers a $45 price fix Sunday meal that includes some great shit. For example, my massive slab bacon app as a starter:

Mine was perfect! My mom’s, hover, was very fatty and not as pleasant.

For the main course I had an 18oz delmonico (boneless) rib eye. Mine was cooked somewhere in the range of medium rare to medium (I ordered medium rare). My dad’s was unfortunately overcooked to medium well (he, too, ordered medium rare).

Dessert comes with the meal as well, but before that I should mention the duck fat french fries and burnt broccoli that we shared among the table:

Both had great crisp texture. The fries didn’t taste heavily of duck fat, but they were pretty much perfect french fries. The broccoli was super tasty. They are steamed and then flash fried for that crisp.

For dessert I needed something light. My body was not agreeing with this additional pounding I was putting it through after the race. I went with a trio of sorbets.

I was amazed to see a cigar menu on the dessert menu. Odd, considering that smoking is not allowed in the establishment. However the restaurant has some nice outdoor lounge seating. So on a nice night you can puff away out there:

As for drinks: I recommend the St. Germain and candied hibiscus martini. Really awesome, and you can eat the flower. Yes – this was my wife’s drink… Do I look like a fucking pussy to you?

TELLER’S
605 Main St.
Islip, NY 11751

Jerky, Product Reviews

Side Project Jerky

September 9, 2015 Johnny Prime Leave a comment

My wife picked up a pair of packs of this Side Project brand jerky while we were waiting to board our flight to Hawaii. Check out the cool logo of a bovine in a top hat:

We sampled thr two flavors on the plane: Mongolian and Philly Cheese Steak.

The interesting thing about this brand is that they stamp each pack with dates for when they were dried and packed, right there next to the ingredients list and nutritional info.

Pretty cool. When you rip the packs open, you will find a thick vacuum sealed plastic pouch containing the meat:

No doubt this preserves the freshness.

We first tried the Mongolian flavor. It was peppery, garlicky, and had good meat flavor. I was expecting a higher spice level for its claim that it would make Ghengis proud. But the texture was good, and it even had some sesame seeds embedded. Not wet, not dry, not sticky and not tough. It passed all hurdles that can usually trip up a jerky.

Surprisingly the cheese steak flavor was where all the spice was residing. It was light on cheese flavor but bold on pepper. I liked it.

Overall I was very satisfied with the product and I would definitely eat it again.

Jerky, Product Reviews

Trader Joe’s Jerky

August 26, 2015 Johnny Prime 2 Comments

I recently went on a jerky spree at our local Trader Joe’s market. After sampling some various jerky brands here on the site, I jumped at the opportunity to get these flavors from Trader Joe’s.

Why? Because they were both unique and VERY cheap – at least $1 or $2 cheaper than the “brand name” shit. So I grabbed every single flavor I could find that day in the store. Here’ we go:

Wild King Salmon

Probably my favorite of the lot, which I was really shocked about. Fish jerky, which I never even thought about before, just didn’t strike me as something even remotely appetizing. I thought I’d hate it, but I loved it. It was a bit too salty, but the texture is the consistency of dry, thick cut bacon and it even tasted similar. Awesome. I’ll be getting this again, and possibly eating it with a bagel and cream cheese or something to cut the saltiness a little.

Sweet Sri Racha Uncured Bacon

This reminded me of pre-cooked bacon but better quality and with a sweet and spicy flavor to it. I guess it’s somewhat similar to the Spicy Bacon Candy that my wife makes on occasion. The sweet comes from something in the maple flavor family, if I had to guess, and the heat is obviously from chili paste.

Teriyaki Turkey

This was pretty standard in terms of flavor – nothing new or unique – but it was executed nicely. It was juicy, yet not wet. It had nice flavor, and was thick but not too chewy.

Sweet & Spicy Buffalo

This was lean and tasty. It wasn’t too tough and it didn’t require heavy chewing, and that goes for all the flavors, really. The spice comes in at the end on this, which is really enjoyable.

Teriyaki Beef

This, like the turkey, is standard issue, but again very good quality. If you like a traditional, meaty beef jerky with a common flavor kick, then this is for you.

Burgers, Flash Deals, Midtown East, NY Strip, Other Cuts, Porterhouse, Press Reviews, Rib Eye, Steakhouse Reviews

Charlie Palmer Steak

August 7, 2015 Johnny Prime Leave a comment

Charlie Palmer Steak overall score: 89

NOTE: This joint has MOVED locations.

My wife read an article about Charlie Palmer’s new steakhouse opening up at the old Rothman’s location. They were offering a 15% off promotion since it was their soft opening, so we jumped on it. My wife also made mention that we were celebrating a birthday on her OpenTable reservation (this will be important later).

Flavor: 9
We had two cuts of steak: the bone-on rib eye, and the teres major. I had never heard of that cut before. Apparently it is off the shoulder area, and is tender like a filet. To me, it was somewhere in between a hanger and a filet in flavor. It had a great char on the outside and was cooked perfectly medium rare on the inside.

The rib eye was really nice. Also perfectly cooked, and very juicy with only a little bit of bleed out going on. My only gripe is that I think the rib eye needed some more seasoning. I found myself dipping into the sauces too often for a boost of flavor, but the sauces were very good (see below).

Here’s a shot of the bernaise sauce, though I think I enjoyed the horseradish cream and the Charlie Palmer signature steak sauces a little better:

Choice of Cuts & Quality Available: 10
This place has a really big selection of cuts. See below:

I was excited to see stuff that I had never heard of before, so that’s a big win for this joint. Also the presence of high end meats makes for a dynamic dining experience: you can always come back and try something new each visit.

Portion Size & Plating: 8
Portions here are average. I know the trend is “bigger is better,” but that’s not always the case. At least here you know you are getting great quality. The plating is pretty nice too, which you will see in the shots below.

Price: 10
This score is subjective, I know, because we got an incredible 15% off promotion, AND our waiter, Charles, took a few items like sides and desserts off the bill because we were celebrating a birthday. That was pretty awesome. Had we not had those benefits, I may have scored this an 8 or possibly even a 7. Prices are really starting to skyrocket these days. I know rent is high, but it may start to turn diners away when they see a steak for almost $60.

Bar: 9
The new modern bar is nice. It’s got a direct line of sight to the street, through large windows that open like shutters, so that’s cool. It is definitely going to be a vibrant lunch and after work spot in midtown, especially since they kept the magnanimous bar tender Mike from the old Rothman’s. He’s somewhat of a famous cat in there.

The drinks were really nice too. My martini was mixed perfectly, and the “Doctor’s Note” was absolutely delicious with the Laphroaig added in there for smoke.

Specials and Other Meats: 8
There were no specials read to us at the table, so not sure if this will be something they plan to add once the main opening happens. Otherwise, they do have a nice selection of other meats to choose from aside from beef. As a side note here, they do offer a seven course tasting menu that looks out of this world.

Apps, Sides & Desserts: 9
We started with the chicken liver and fois gras pate, which was creamy and rich, yet not heavy at all. The fig jam that it came with was delicious, with healthy chunks of the fruit within:

Next was the yellowtail sashimi served up on a salt rock. Very nice and fresh, with a touch of herbiness:

We shared a shellfish platter for one ($38). It came with two each of crab claws, oysters, clams, and shrimp, with a half a lobster tail and a single lobster claw. Not bad, but I felt the clams were not that great (may have been a larger variety than Little Necks), and the amount of shellfish was a bit lacking for almost $40, though probably fine for one person I suppose.

On the side we had a nice variety of items. First was grilled oyster mushrooms. These were meaty and earthy. Very nice:

Then we had a truffle twice baked potato. This was the star of the show. It was like mashed potato mixed with cheese and truffles and then put back into the baked potato carcass. Really good shit.

Then we tried the Jersey corn. Nothing special here but it was very tasty and fresh, and nicely seasoned.

For desert we had two items: a cheesecake pudding, which was fucking delicious. Lighter than a cheesecake and really silky smooth, with graham cracker crumble on top.

The other was a blueberry and raspberry cobbler with a scoop of vanilla ice cream on top. This was heart warming and comforting.

Seafood Selection: 8
There’s a great deal of seafood on the menu. We only got to try the shellfish platter, so I can’t really judge this category based on only that item. Next visit.

Service: 10
Charles, our waiter, was amazing. He had some nice suggestions for us, and he was really nice. I was really shocked that he had some items taken off of our bill because we were celebrating a birthday. Total class act! I hope you readers are fortunate enough to have him as your waiter if you decide to go.

A few other mentions here: the table bread was really good. Three different types of bread in a sack. One was a sliced dinner roll, another was a really tasty and crispy-crusted Italian bread, and the last was a potato and onion roll that had actual pieces of potato and onion in the bread.

Ambiance: 8
They’ve made a good improvement on the old Rothman’s decor. Although I tend to prefer traditional over modern, the modern they chose for here is toned down and elegant. Take a look:

There’s even a small private dining area in the back:

And the cutlery is pretty cool looking, and felt really natural in your hands:

SECOND TRIP UPDATE

On a second trip, my wife and I noticed that they changed up the decor a bit (those ball lights were replaced, and the private room got a make over). Still a similar vibe though. Charles is unfortunately no longer working there. Bummer! But hopefully he is on to bigger and better things.

We used a Gilt City deal that got us an app, a porterhouse for two, a side, a glass of wine each, and a signed cookbook. My wife, of course, got that at a heavy discount as well, so I think our entire meal with all the perks cost her like $15 less than the porterhouse itself.

To start, we got this awesome thick slab pork belly/bacon dish that came with a fried quail egg and potato hash, served in a hot skillet. This was probably the best bacon dish I’ve ever tried. Sticky, crispy, meaty, fatty and packed with flavor.

We also tried the Alaskan king crabcake with fried green tomatoes and corn relish. This was really tasty, and it reminded me of a similar dish we had at Minton’s. The tomato added a nice zingy tart punch.

At first bite, I thought the porterhouse was a bit under seasoned, but the dish was served with a bowl of freshly shaved sea salt for you to flavor to taste. Excellent! Check out the beautiful presentation of this steak. I usually hate the “sizzling platter” for a steak, because I worry about the steak continuing to cook while it sits in the skillet. But nothing got messed up here, as you can see from the perfect medium rare cooking temp.

On the side we had the truffle mac & cheese. We were excited about it because the truffle baked potato was so good last time, but this ultimately fell flat. The pasta tasted grainy and watered down. The cheese sauce lacked punch, and the truffle was more aroma than flavor. I would have likely ordered those oyster mushrooms again from above, but they were no longer offered on the menu.

For dessert we shared what was probably the best carrot cake we have ever tasted. It was moist and flavorful without being overly rich. So good.

A nice bonus was being able to meet Chef Ryan Lory, who I have been following on Instagram for a while now. I encourage you to do the same – his food pics are really awesome, and most of his shots are what he is whipping up for the tasting menu in the kitchen at the steakhouse. Check him out below, getting some tourist love:

THIRD TRIP UPDATE 6/25/17

I was recently invited into Charlie Palmer to help influence for their new 50/50 burger, which is a grind that’s half bacon and half beef. It’s available on Fridays for 50% off through Labor Day.

I have to say, I really liked this burger. Honestly, it didn’t look like much coming out, and I was skeptical of the grind for various reasons (can’t cook bacon – even Neuskes, which is what they use – to medium rare and hope for a good texture). But this thing was majorly good.

It had the sear quality of a steak on the patty, and it was cooked nicely to medium rare all the way though. No rubbery bacon content, and you got that smokey sweetness without it being overboard for the sake of “baconness.”

The fries are really something special too. Somewhere in between regular thickness and potato sticks – shoestring, if you will. Beautifully cooked and nicely seasoned.

Martini game is still on point.

And this time I tried a bolognese tagliatelle pasta dish that was really rich and flavorful. Nicely prepared.

As for the steaks, this time I tried a bone-in strip steak.

A solid 8/10 for flavor. Wonderful ashy char on the outside and nice temperature inside.

Asparagus was good.

Really enjoyed the tomato-based steak sauce with the mashed potatoes.

Olive oil cake dessert was a bit dry in parts but still flavorful.

I was bummed out to see that their oyster mushroom side was no longer offered, and neither was the terres major or the rib eye for one. On the bright side, we did get to meet Charlie Palmer himself. Such a nice man, extremely hand-on and talented.

OLD ADDRESS:
CHARLIE PALMER STEAK
5 E 54th St
New York, NY 10022

NEW ADDRESS:
Archer Hotel New York
47 W 38th St
New York, NY 10018

Flash Deals, Midtown West, Porterhouse, Rib Eye, Steakhouse Reviews

The Statler Grill

July 27, 2015 Johnny Prime Leave a comment

The Statler Grill overall score: 73

Groupon recently had a sweet steakhouse deal: $49 steak dinner for two that covers $18 worth of apps, $114 worth of steak, and $18 worth of sides. That’s a steal! It turns out the restaurant was The Statler Grill, a joint I had wandered past a few times near Penn Station and always wondered about.

Flavor: 8

I had the ribeye, which was partially boneless at about 22oz. Nice and flavorful, cooked perfectly through the whole way, nothing uneven, nice and tender and juicy, well seasoned, well rested… It didn’t need anything, yet there was just something missing that I couldn’t put my finger on; maybe it was the atmosphere (see below)? Whatever it was I couldn’t give it the full 10. My wife got the lamb chops, which were amazing; nice crust, not too gamey, but full of great flavor.

Choice of Cuts & Quality Available: 7

The menu has the basics: strip, filet, ribeye, and porterhouse. All seem to be prime quality. No specials, but they did have lamb chops and a veal chop to mix it up.

Portion Size & Plating: 7

We were full, so the size was good; I estimate the ribeye to be about 20-24oz (there were no numbers on the menu), and about 3-4oz for each lamb chop (with six chops per order). Plating is basic; white plate with meat + a little green garnish. Nothing fancy.

Price: 8

I wanted to give this place a 9 or 10 for price, since we paid so little for our meal, but the menu prices were high for dining without a sweet groupon. The ribeye was $54, lamb chops $48. Kinda pricey for a place like this. The lobster cocktail was $18, and the smallish sides were $9 each. If the atmosphere was a little different (see below) if might be worth it at full price, because the food WAS cooked properly and tasted great… but for that price, head over to Keen’s, Wolfgang’s or Delmonico’s for serious atmosphere. That said, our meal, with drink, tax and tip included, was $42 over the initial $49 I paid for the groupon.

Bar: 6

The bar is kinda small and junky. It probably gets some customers who are awaiting their LIRR train, so it’s not empty. They do offer some interesting beers and wine selections, and their martini was made properly, but this isn’t really the kind of bar I’d want to hang at for too long. Contrast with Delmonico’s or Keen’s and you see what I mean.

Specials and Other Meats: 6

No specials! That’s fine; after all, it is a steak joint. The basic cuts are all that is required. Other than that they had veal and lamb, a good deal of seafood and chicken as well, for the wimps.

Apps, Sides & Desserts: 8

We started with the lobster cocktail; nicely cooked, accompanied by some dipping sauces: a kicked up, horseradishy cocktail sauce, and a spicy mayo type sauce. The lobster was split in two long ways to split the tail meat, and the claws were pre-cracked and ready to devour. The creamed spinach was certainly creamy. What it lacked in salt and savory it made up for in cream, so it served as a good cut to the well-seasoned meat. I found myself dipping fork fulls of meat into the spinach with every few bites. Only bad thing: the size was a bit small. The order of fries was good too; crispy ribbons, well salted. About two potatoes worth, so also a bit pricey for $9. We skipped dessert. If I was still hungry, I probably would have rounded off the meal with some oysters. One thing looked particularly interesting on the menu: the Dr. Olsen Salad – basically a cobb with a seafood twist.

Seafood Selection: 8

Chilean sea bass, grilled salmon, shrimp scampi, crab cakes, and seared sesame tuna graced the seafood menu. That covers most bases, though there was no lobster aside from the cocktail. They also offered oysters AND clams on the half shell as apps (oreganata clams too – and nice move offering both clams and oysters), as well as fried calamari, shrimp cocktail, lump crab meat, and app sized portions of scampi, crabcakes and tuna.

Service: 9

Our waiter was really friendly and outgoing to all his tables – an older man – and the waiters were dressed in the classic shirt & tie manner. Crusty bread was hot when it came to the table, and served with a nice basic whipped butter that wasn’t cold and solid.

Ambiance: 6

This place could use a makeover. It is not BAD inside, but it doesn’t have a steakhouse feel (see Lugers) OR a fine dining feel (see Mark Joseph). It feels more like a Heartland Brewery, yet at least in Heartland Brewery you know you have a kickass bar/beer/drink selection. The floors are nice; dark wood, Ceilings are high with the exposed warehouse look, and tables are what you would see in any regular restaurant. Walls are covered with random stuff like trumpets, artwork, etc. I think they need a new space, or a new decor. Even the doorway seemed cheap; more like a bar door or a standard storefront shop. It could be the location – it is directly across from MSG and Penn Station, down 33rd street about halfway to 6th Avenue, so it lacks a certain character or uniqueness trait. The bathrooms, cleverly marked “Joseph” and “Josephine” for men/women, were standard bar bathrooms – not dirty, but not the kind you expect in a fine steakhouse.

UPDATE AS OF 7/27/15

So Statler Grill now has a different deal, and it isn’t quite as awesome as it used to be. It’s still a good deal, don’t get me wrong, but you need to know up front that the menu is very limited. There are only two cuts of steak available in the “steak dinner for two” Groupon deal. You can either choose a strip/sirloin, or the porterhouse for two. They also limit you on your selection of apps, they choose the sides for you, and you are limited to two desserts. The good thing is that you can swap wine for beer or cocktails with no extra charge. Anything else that you might want to swap will cost you big time. Like $15 extra if you want a filet instead of the strip. Or $5 extra if you want chocolate ice cream instead of cheesecake or bread pudding. Some of the substitution fees are ridiculous considering that the actual menu prices are the same if not less for the substitutions.

Anyway, the deal is $99 for two apps, two entrees, two desserts, two coffees and a bottle of wine. It’s really not that bad of a deal if you happen to want what is on the limited menu. So I stress that you look before you leap.

We had the caesar salad and friend calamari to start. Both were small portions. I’d say half size from what you might expect.

We went with the porterhouse for two. Although it was a bit light on the ounces and seasoning, I didn’t mind so much because it was cooked properly and the flavor was decent, though not as good as last time I came (maybe 7/10 for this porterhouse).

The sides were both excellent, and were generously portioned given the deal.

Since the manager was aware that we were a bit unhappy with the Groupon fine print, he went out of his way to make sure we were happy come dessert time. He gave us the chocolate ice cream substitution for free, and also threw in a creme brûlée on the house. Good man.

The real star of the show at dessert time was the bread pudding, though. It was awesome. It tasted like warm fluffy French toast cookie dough.

That about does it. Overall the meal was satisfying and we liked our food. We were just a little let down over the seemingly deceptive wording in the Groupon ad. Hopefully this gets rectified in the future, so that others don’t get let down upon ordering time. We were actually going to leave and eat elsewhere when we learned that the deal was not what we expected, but we were told that the Groupon had already been redeemed. Essentially that meant we were stuck eating there or else face a loss of the Groupon value.

STATLER GRILL
136 W. 33rd St.
New York, NY 10001

Burgers, Midtown West, Porterhouse, Rib Eye, Steakhouse Reviews

NYY Steak

July 19, 2015 Johnny Prime 6 Comments

NYY Steak overall score: 85

NOTE: THIS PLACE IS CLOSED

Ever since moving back to NYC, my dad and I have been talking about hitting the relatively new New York Yankees Steakhouse in midtown. We were finally able to set up a visit (they’re only open on weekends during dinner hours, and my parents usually visit during lunch hours on weekends, so we had to reassess the normal visit routine). So my parents came in with my oldest nephew. It was hotter than Derek Jeter’s balls in a Phoenix double header that day. My wife, my parents, my nephew and I were all sweating our asses off. We were walking around Central Park in the lead up to the reservation when out of nowhere it began to pour. Rain was coming down hard, as if Poseidon and Zeus were having a golden shower party in the sky. We ran out of the park and, lucky for us, a bus was heading down 5th Avenue just as we exited. The bus let us off just around the corner from the restaurant, where we were finally safe from the downpour. Check out the count below:

Flavor: 8
I ordered the 27oz long bone rib eye. It was perfectly cooked, nice and juicy, tender, and didn’t have too much inedible gristle on it. However I felt like it was just a hair under-seasoned. Nothing worth complaining about in the slightest. The most awesome part about the steak, for me, was the custom etching of your name into the bone. Upon taking our order, Michael, our awesome waiter, asked my father and I what text we wanted etched into our rib bones. WHAAAT?!??!!! THIS IS AWESOME!!! Check it out!!! This shit is now on my (Mickey) mantel at home.

Choice of Cuts & Quality Available: 7
You have all your major cuts here. Filet, strip, porterhouse and the rib eye. Everything on the menu is prime and aged in house. When you head downstairs you can actually see the meat man carving up cuts and trimming the meat into portions.

Portion Size & Plating: 10
Portions here are massive. Aside from the steaks, whatever else you order is a very generous size. You’ll see what I’m talking about below for some of the items pictured. In addition, the plating is really clever. The bread plates are in the shape of a baseball field, and each dinner plate has the unique jersey number of a famous player (7 for Mantle, 9 for Maris/Nettles, etc).

Price: 8
The cost is a bit on the high end, but this is to be expected in a place that dons the Yankee brand and that is located in such a big, beautiful space in costly midtown. The really good thing here is that you get a LOT for your money – well worth the cost, in my opinion, and very good quality food.

Bar: 7
The bar is nice and sleek, with a few television screens broadcasting baseball games, as you might expect at a Yankees steakhouse. They mixed a nice martini too, which is always important to me.

Specials and Other Meats: 9
There is a really amazing $42 price fix special here. You get your choice of salad or the bacon app to start, then a choice between a 6oz filet (you can upgrade to 8oz), chicken, or salmon, composed as a plate with mashed potatoes and broccolini. Well done NYY! Broccolini is a personal favorite of mine, so I was glad to see that on the menu. Here is a shot of the bacon app and salad (a few people ordered this at the table). The bacon app is actually a half order of the normal sized app. Still generous in my opinion.

Other than this, they basically feature an on-menu steak of the day that the chef recommends for whatever reason.

Apps, Sides & Desserts: 9
We selected a few apps from the main menu. My dad and I had the lump blue crab. I was expecting a portion half this size, and with crappy meat, but this was AMAZING. The meat was tender and juicy, and served with a little salad on top and some croutons, cucumber and tomatoes. Delicious.

We also had french fries. These were great too – very crispy and really well seasoned with some parmesan cheese and coarse salt. For some reason I forgot to snap a photo of these beauties. My sincere apologies. But I did get a shot of the amazing chocolate chip cookie ice cream sandwich with a fucking chocolate Yoohoo shake. LOOK AT THE SIZE OF THIS FOR ONLY $16!!! And it was GOD DAMNED DELICIOUS!

OH YEAH! We also had this freaking thing: a 151 rum flamed ice cream volcano. Yes. Ice cream was beneath the flames and caramelized coating. So cool.

Seafood Selection: 8
My wife had the salmon with her price fix meal. It was really nicely cooked to medium rare as she requested. Mild, but very flavorful. Based on this I would definitely come and try some of their other seafood offerings.

Service: 10
As I mentioned above, Michael was a great waiter. He was helpful, he knew his meat, and had great suggestions for us. When I made the reservation, I randomly put “congratulations Jeremy” in the text box on Open Table. I guess they pay attention to those things, because they printed up a special menu with my nephew’s name on it saying congrats.

A few other service notes: the manager was very generous and offered us some after dinner drinks on the house. Port, Sambuca, and cognac. This was incredible! We were blown away by the service.

Another item worth mentioning was the bread. They offer a cheese bread roll with olive spread, and a pretzel bread roll with mustard butter. Very tasty stuff. And last, a trio of salts/peppers was presented to us as well. A himalayan pink salt, a fluffy sea salt, and a pepper from Madagascar that was pretty spicy for peppercorn.

Ambiance: 9
The space is really neat here. It used to be a bank. They have some private dining rooms on the ground floor with a converted vault as one of the private rooms. They have a big, high ceiling open room with two levels on the main floor, featuring larger-than-life sized photos of the great Yankees from the beginning on up through today. Last, there’s a 100-seat room on the upper floor, which features more memorabilia and some smaller framed items. Not only this, but the waiters are all wearing pinstripes beneath their vests and ties in honor of the greatest baseball team ever. The menu even reflects this greatness, with 27 wines by the glass to go with the Yanks’ 27 championship victories. Nice touch.

Beside the bar I noticed a cool feature: steak knives with MVP names on them: many are players, but some are honored guests and frequent diners. Pretty cool.

POWER LUNCH!

For $27 you get a salad, your choice of burger, chicken sandwich, or salmon (7oz), and dessert choice of cheesecake or creme brûlée. Awesome deal. The burger was pretty good, though the bun didn’t quite hold up to the immensity of the meat. Fries were perfect – nice and golden brown. Salad was basic and refreshing, and the creme brûlée, though served with a fork, was right on the money – creamy smooth and really bright.

On a third trip, my wife and I came in to take advantage of a free baseball hat and free Yankees tickets promotion that NYY was doing. Each diner gets a hat, and you get a voucher for Yankees tickets, which you can turn in at the stadium box office for tickets.

So we tried the steak tartare and tuna tartare as apps. Both were awesome. The steak was hand cut, but very soft and tender. Really nice flavor. The tuna was thickly chopped on a base of avocado and served with sesame rice chips and sesame oil for a distinctly asian flavor profile that was very refreshing.

For our main course we split the porterhouse for two (38oz). It was overcooked on the edges, but the coarse salt and pepper gave it a nice crust and flavor. The filet side was super tender, but the strip side was a bit tough in parts, and also overly charred, which gave some bites a burnt, ashy flavor.

On the side we had the mac and cheese. This was a spiral pasta with a variety of non-traditional cheeses. It was okay, but a little too funky for my liking. I’m more of a cheddar type of guy when it comes to mac and cheese.

We skipped dessert this time, but I noticed that they no longer offered the chipwich or the ice cream lava mountain that we had on the first trip. Bummer. I also noticed that the three-course price fix was no longer offered, and there was no booze cart that came around at dessert time. Hmm. I took a few points for this here and there in the updated review.

NYY STEAK
7 W. 51st St.
New York, NY 10019

Brooklyn, Other Cuts, Rib Eye, Steakhouse Reviews

Saint Anselm

June 13, 2015 Johnny Prime Leave a comment

Saint Anselm overall score: 77

This small Williamsburg joint has gotten wildly popular among meat aficionados on a budget, due to their highly affordable $17 hanger steak. See how it stacks up below.

Flavor: 8
This was a tough one. My wife and I came here with a friend of ours, so we ordered an “axe handle” rib eye and the well-known hanger steak, to give it all a try. As it turns out, the axe handle was about a six or seven in flavor, but the hanger steak was a nine. So I split the baby here with an eight. The hanger was simply prepared. Salt, pepper, butter and grilled like a mo-fo. It was perfectly medium rare, super juicy and tender.

The rib eye was a bit overcooked. We ordered medium rare, but it was more like medium to medium well. The flavor was good, nicely seasoned, and not much waste or fat at all. There wasn’t much in the way of fat cap, but the eye was tasty. The main loss of points here was due to improper cooking.

Choice of Cuts & Quality Available: 6
This place only offers strip, hanger and rib eye. Lack of a filet or porterhouse really cut into the point score here, but the hanger is an excellent and welcome addition to the repertoire.

Portion Size & Plating: 8
Portions here are pretty substantial. the hanger steak is definitely good enough to fill someone, with a side item or app. The rib eye is served in sizes of 39oz, 47oz, and upwards to giganto-portions. We went with 39oz.

Price: 9
The apps and the hanger are nicely priced, but the rib eye is a bit overpriced in comparison to the rest of the menu. At $2.70/oz, that comes out to midtown prices or higher. Anyway here’s the full bill. As you can see the other items all seemed pretty reasonable.

Bar: 7
This seems like a great place to hang out. However, I don’t think you’re allowed to sit at the bar unless you are getting food (see “service” comments below). I was a little bummed out by my experience on that angle.

Specials and Other Meats: 8
There were three specials and a substitution menu item (grilled clams were grilled mussels instead, which we actually ordered and enjoyed). They also serve multiple veal, pork, lamb and chicken dishes up in this bitch, so good on them for that!

Apps, Sides & Desserts: 8
I was saddened to see that the bacon item was no longer offered on the menu, but we still had some decent side items. We started with the grilled mussels ($7). These were fantastic. A simple lemon and butter sauce with some bread for dipping. The flavor was clean and crisp, really nice.

Next we had the sardines. I was glad to see that there were three in the serving, so we could each have our own. These were a little rough to navigate given the tiny bones, but the meat itself was really delicious.

Last, we tried the spinach gratin. The spinach was nice: not overly creamy. It was on the dry side, which I wasn’t sure that I liked at first, but it grew on me. The cheese on top was hard and didn’t really mix into the spinach too well. It was more of a crust on top.

Seafood Selection: 8
There’s just as many fish items as any other type of meat, whether it’s pork, beef, veal or lamb. We didn’t try any (aside from apps), but one of the specials was a salmon head that sounded great, as did the wine braised octopus. I’m not positive, but I think I also heard that this place serves dollar oysters as well. WIN!

Service: 7
When the place first unlocked its doors at 5pm, I walked in alone and said that I would be a group of three. They wouldn’t sit me until everyone arrived. I can somewhat understand that kind of policy, typically when a restaurant is very crowded or only has limited seating. But the place was literally empty. Okay. No big deal. I asked if I could sit at the bar. It was about 90 degrees outside and I was sweating. It was cool inside. I was told that the bar seating is reserved for dining customers. I looked around, shocked. I didn’t see any customers. She said she could check for me if it was okay. I said nah. Fuck it. I will wait outside. That shit just put a bad taste in my mouth. Fucking dead empty and I can’t sit at the bar to wait for my other two party members? I totally would have ordered a drink! Assholes. Anyway our waiter was awesome, and we had absolutely no complaints about the actual service during our dinner. By the way: the bar was still empty halfway through our meal. Toward the end, it was starting to fill up, but still plenty of space for one guy to sit and wait for the rest of his party to arrive.

Ambiance: 8
Despite the fact that this is a small, narrow bar type joint, they’ve really done a great job with what they’ve got. Brick walls, olde tyme sigils and banners all over the walls, etc. Very cool. It’s tough to compete with big budget steakhouses in the ambiance category when you’re a mom and pop type place, but this was one of the better mom and pop joints that I’ve been to.

ST. ANSELM
355 Metropolitan Ave.
Brooklyn, NY 11211

Burgers, Flash Deals, Midtown East, Rib Eye, Steakhouse Reviews

BV’s Grill

May 31, 2015 Johnny Prime 4 Comments

BV’s Grill overall score: 84

UPDATE: BV’S GRILL IS NOW CLOSED

I picked up a discounted Groupon for this place. I paid about $60 and got $100 off the bill. Check out the review:

Flavor: 8
The rib eye here was really nicely done. I was almost going to give it a nine here but I decided to go with eight because there was a bit too much scrap on the plate when I was finished. Nicely cooked, well rested, juicy, tender, flavorful and all that good shit. Check it out:

My wife ordered the BV Burger, so I had the rare opportunity to kill two birds with one stone here: burger and steak in the same review.

It was nicely cooked to medium, with a thick slice of lightly grilled white onion on top of the melty cheddar. The bun was soft yet strong, and the meat had a nice beefy flavor. It was definitely above average, and a very good deal for $17 with fries, in my opinion. Here’s the cut:

Choice of Cuts & Quality Available: 8
You’ve got a decent selection of all the main four cuts, plus some good quality beef going on here. There are some alternative cuts like flank or skirt as well.

Portion Size & Plating: 8
Portions are generous here. My steak was about 22oz, if I had to guess. Plating was pretty basic, not too fancy. The creamed spinach (pictured further below) was definitely enough for three.

Price: 9
My rib eye was still priced in the $40s, so I was happy about that, especially given the overall good quality of the meat. That, plus the Groupon deal, made this a great buy. Here’s our bill:

Bar: 9
This place has a really awesome, spacious bar, and an outdoor patio/dining space that is really nice in the warm weather. They also stock some good quality beer on tap, like Delerium, in the event that you’re not sipping on a martini.

Specials and Other Meats: 8
There were three specials being offered, but none of them were steak. First was a two-for-one shrimp cocktail app (eight pieces instead of four). Second was a fish item, I believe. And third was this incredibly refreshing chilled watermelon soup:

It had a hint of spice to it, along with another fruit flavor – maybe apricot? Delicious way to start the meal.

Apps, Sides & Desserts: 8
I started with this thick slice of bacon. It was nicely cooked – soft inside, crunchy edges, and lots of piggy-flavor, as it was also a smoked applewood variety.

The creamed spinach was the perfect texture. I thought it was the right balance of creamy/cheesy to leaf spinach. It might have needed just a touch more salt, though. Still great.

The french fries that came with my wife’s burger were good and crispy, but they were a bit dry. Nothing special about these babies. They’re just there to fill your gut:

We skipped dessert because we were stuffed, but there were some really enticing items, like chocolate pecan pie and soft serve ice cream (a personal favorite).

Seafood Selection: 9
There’s a ton of seafood on the menu. Lots in the apps/starters, and a fair amount of good quality cuts of fish in the entree section, as well as that special I mentioned up above. Solid showing.

Service: 9
Our waiter was great. He was attentive, fast, and really nice – same with the hosting staff. A great place to eat. The bread basket was pretty good too:

That butter in the middle is soft, whipped and light with great seasoning. I think it is likely made in-house. It’s the best butter I’ve had at a steak joint to date.

Ambiance: 8
I actually love the layout of the place, the decor, and the brightness from the massive windows and open-concept space. I think the only down-side is the location, midtown east. I bet it does really well during the workdays, but is dead on weekends. It’s a shame too because this would be a fantastic location to do some summertime day drinking.

Filet Mignon, Flash Deals, Japanese, Midtown West, Press Reviews, Restaurant Week, Rib Eye, Steakhouse Reviews

Tender

May 8, 2015 Johnny Prime 2 Comments

Tender overall score: 77

Tender is a sushi and steak joint in midtown. I recently purchased a Groupon: $49 got me $70 worth of food, though I think I paid less with a coupon code. Anyway, check the review below:

Flavor: 9
I had the rib eye. This thing was damn near perfect. Despite this being a somewhat small sized boneless cut, I only took a single point, and that was because some of the fat was a bit gristled and non-edible. I’m trying to reserve the 10-spot for when I eat every scrap.

The meat was perfectly cooked inside. If I had to guess, I’d say they are using a sous vide machine, because the ONLY part that was not pink was the immediate edges, which had a wet crisp on them. Check out the cut and you’ll see what I mean in the cross-section:

The steak was served with some roasted garlic too, which was really soft and spreadable.

Choice of Cuts & Quality Available: 8
This place has all four of the basic cuts (FRPS – filet, rib eye, porterhouse and strip), however they are only available in one size each. The menu says that the strip is dry-aged and the rib eye is Black Angus, so the quality is good there. There is no other beef available other than a meatloaf entree.

Portion Size & Plating: 7
Portions for the steaks are a bit on the small side. The filet is only 8oz at $38; the strip is 12oz at $54; the Black Angus rib eye is 16oz at $50; and the porterhouse is 40oz at $47/pp, which is $94. Since it is only offered for two, they may as well just say $94 on the menu instead of using the per person cost. I’m uncertain whether you can order it for three and have it be something like a 60oz cut. Plating for the steak was really pretty: a wood tray with a stone inlay plate.

Price: 7
I’m glad we had a Groupon, because I think the sizes of the steaks ran a bit small at this price point. When I saw $54 next to a 12oz strip on the menu, my eyes widened in disbelief. That’s way too high. That said, I think we had a good deal with the Groupon purchase, so I wasn’t cringing when Sir William Price arrived at the table:

Bar: 8
This was a confusing visit. A good portion of the restaurant was shuttered due to a private event, so I think we were seated in the smaller rear area, where they had a secondary bar. I’ll give it the standard score of eight as benefit of the doubt, because I think the bar in the main dining area sits along some nice frontage on 47th Street, and has a full walk-around square of bar seating space.

Specials and Other Meats: 5
The only other meat on the menu was chicken. While this only scores half of the allowed points in this category, I have to give credit to the place for sticking to what the sign says on their establishment, for the most part: steak and sushi. The big let down was that they didn’t offer any specials, especially being nestled in their high-powered midtown location on west 47th Street. When I think of a Japanese steak and sushi joint, high quality specialty items come to mind, like Wagyu/Kobe by the ounce, flash cooked on a hot stone with soy sauce and shiitake mushrooms… or tongue-numbing and deadly blowfish sashimi… or soft, delicate uni… NADA!

Apps, Sides & Desserts: 8
We has some sushi rolls as starters. They were only six pieces each, instead of eight. But they were really tasty. First was the Pink Panther, which was king crab-based with a soy wrapper and some crunch.

Next was Sunset, which had a bunch of different cuts of raw fish inside and on top. Very fresh and delicate.

We also had some truffle fries. These were perfectly cooked McDonald’s style, with a dusting of parsley and a drizzle of truffle oil. Not too overpowering, but well seasoned. We cleaned out the entire bowl.

Seafood Selection: 9
There’s a fair deal of seafood on the menu, even outside the sushi realm. Salmon, branzino, mussels and black cod, in particular, with a shrimp risotto to boot. I was surprised by some of the Italian-style preparations that were on this menu.

Service: 9
The staff was very attentive, and our water was always filled promptly. The service was quick too. We were in and out within an hour, pretty much. Very nice, considering that we weren’t in the mood for a huge, long dinner.

Ambiance: 7
While I can’t really give a full blown review of the ambiance here, since we were limited to a smaller portion of the restaurant, I can confidently assess the place based on what I saw. The lighting is very dim. Big props to Sony for creating a camera like the Alpha 7S, which is a fucking BEAST in low light situations. The music was somewhat ridiculous: very bad, corny 90’s music. I think Hootie & the Blowfish played at some point, which is funny because I mentioned above that I wanted the blowie special without any mention of the hooters. Okay so too dim, bad music, an awkward video screen displaying a generic, stock image of sushi with the word “sushi” next to it… BUT a very cool hallway that connected to the bathrooms and the adjacent Sanctuary Hotel (lots of Buddha and far eastern/Indian statues – those were cool).

UPDATE 8/7/17

I came back in with the PR company that represents the Sanctuary Hotel in order to promote the restaurant week menu at Tender.

Here are the avocado fries and the spicy tuna roll starters. The avocado fries needed a hit of salt, as well as a better dipping sauce. The spicy tuna roll was fine.

Of the three entrees, the filet mignon is probably the best selection, but that comes at a $6 surcharge. When I was here, they gave me the fill sized filet, but I was under the impression that this is usually smaller for regular restaurant week guests. 8/10.

If paying the additional fee isn’t your speed, then go with the rigatoni bolognese:

The pasta is cooked perfectly, and the sauce is meaty but not too heavy. I liked it.

Last, the branzino.

This was nice, and had a great crisp from the skin and fried lotus root. But after having the same dish at Le Cirque, I was disappointed here. This was half the size at best.

Dessert was decent. TI tried a nice piece of tiaramisu and a sliver of cheesecake, but they also offer creme brûlée.

TENDER
130 W. 47th St.
New York, NY 10036

Jerky, Press Reviews, Product Reviews

Lawless Jerky

April 29, 2015 Johnny Prime Leave a comment

Attorney Matt Tolnick created Lawless Jerky and got the fuck out of the lawyering game. God bless him, and good for him. I’m trying to do the same (though not with jerky, of course), so I know how real that struggle can be.

Anyway this stuff is essentially craft beef jerky, all natural, no preservatives, no nitrates/nitrites, and with real flavors that are different from all the rest of the slimy, waxy, over-processed shit you’re seeing out there today at gas stations and in supermarket check-out aisles around the country. You can actually pronounce the list of ingredients, like onion powder and paprika. No chemical garbage. And all the jerky is made from 100% grass-fed beef, so it’s lean, and only 80-85 calories per serving, depending on the flavor. That’s great for weight-conscious guys like me, and it comes in re-sealable ziplock style packages, so you can lock in the freshness if you don’t devour the entire bag at once.

How did I hear about this shit? A buddy of mine told me about this stuff and dropped a coupon code on me so I could try a bunch at a good price. Unfortunately, I didn’t realize that this code was reserved for military personnel only, shipping only to legit military addresses. I felt like a big, fat dick when the good people at Lawless Jerky contacted me, asking for my bona fides to make sure I was legit military. I’m not. And I’m glad to see that these guys are actually checking up on things to make sure the sanctity of that coupon code only applies to our brave soldiers who sacrifice every day for our pathetic asses. Good on you, Lawless Jerky! And I apologize for the mix-up.

The gents quickly and painlessly refunded me, but also sent along a sampling of jerky to me anyway, free of charge. I was shocked! I was totally ready and willing to pay full price, as I had heard great things and the flavor descriptions are very enticing.

What are these flavors, you ask?

Japanese Curry; Pho; Sweet Sriracha; Aloha Teriyaki; Honey Chipotle; and Mango Habanero. HOLY FUCK! How can you try one and not any of the others?!?? I will eat pho flavored shit if served to me on a nice plate… maybe… But seriously, just reading these flavors caused a hair-raising, salivary gland-squeezing, teeth watering (yes… teeth watering) crave to sweep over my entire gustatory system. I needed these things in my gut at once.

So what’s my verdict? My holding, my decision, if you will? AWESOME! Get these fucking things ASAP. Every single flavor has something special about it that you will want to have again and again. But here’s a breakdown of the specifics of each flavor, incase you’re a big throbbing pussy and you don’t want to go in for the full sampler pack:

Japanese Curry: This definitely tasted exactly like you would expect. I was actually hoping for MORE of that characteristic curry flavor, but I was happy to see the beef shine through as the star of the show. Actually, I think this flavor would be really great on something like chicken or turkey jerky as well. I wonder if the guys at Lawless are thinking about getting into the non-beef stuff as well?

Pho: All of the right ingredients for pho are represented here in the jerky: cilantro, lime, anise, and other aromatics that you get with a delicious bowl of Vietnamese beef soup. This was a very tasty bag, but not my favorite of the six (which I had expected it to be). The great thing about this flavor is that you can really taste that meaty flavor. Like pho, this jerky is all about the meat itself as opposed to the coating of flavor.

Sweet Sriracha: Candidate for best flavor of the group, this was the right balance of sweet and spicy together, with a generous coating of flavoring on each piece of beef in the bag. And with the meteoric rise in popularity of Sriracha sauce, this baby should catch on as a big money maker for Lawless. Well played!

Aloha Teriyaki: This was nice because it had sesame seeds sprinkled on the beef. The flavoring was more of a glaze, as you might expect, as opposed to the dry seasonings on the Sweet Sriracha and Japanese Curry flavors. But it wasn’t wet like some Asian flavored jerky is. This is a comfortable and easy to eat jerky. A definite pleaser for all fans of jerky.

Honey Chipotle: This was my least favorite of the bunch, but that doesn’t mean it was bad by any means. I really enjoyed it. I think, for me, this simply was the most “safe” or “common” flavor of the group, aside from maybe the Aloha Teriyaki flavor. As such, I wasn’t as excited about it, but I still kept reaching in for more. This, like Aloha Teriyaki, is a crowd pleaser as well. Easily scarfed down at parties or while making a long cross country drive.

Mango Habanero: This was very close to being my favorite. It’s neck and neck with the Sweet Sriracha for me, but my wife gave this one her choice for favorite. It, too, has the right balance of sweet and spicy. Really nice. There’s something magical about this flavor combination. I even love it at Buffalo Wild Wings. Ha!

So there you have it. I think these would even be good with dipping sauces that you can make at home to match the flavors listed on the bag. So good. Be a man and get them all, and tell your military pals about the deal. I think they’re still offering some deals for active military. Check out their Twitter page for updates and other deals.

Tellers overall score: 88

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Charlie Palmer Steak overall score: 89

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The Statler Grill overall score: 73

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NYY Steak overall score: 85

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Saint Anselm overall score: 77

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BV’s Grill overall score: 84

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Tender overall score: 77

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