My steakhouse reviews are scored by examining 10 attributes and ranking them on a scale of 0-10, and then adding them up to a total score out of 100. Currently this is a basic numbers game, but soon I may institute a system of weighting. For example, the flavor category may be worth more than the bar category. Feel free to comment on my reviews as well; there’s really no such thing as a wrong opinion when it comes to matters of taste.
The reviews are broken down as follows:
Flavor: up to 10 points
Obviously the most important measurement – when choosing your place to eat dead animals, this should be your main target review section. I take into account the texture, cooking temperature, seasoning, juiciness, etc. Want a list of all the places that scored 10/10? Go HERE.
Choice of Cuts & Quality Available: up to 10 points
This analyzes which cuts are available. Do they serve prime or choice? Angus, wagyu, kobe, grassfed, or organic? Dry aged or wet aged, and for how long? Which cuts are missing? Do they have a ribeye? Do they have a hanger? Also, is the fat the good, edible kind, or is it too gristled? How much waste was on the plate when I finished eating?
Portion Size & Plating: up to 10 points
Are you gonna need to order two? Does it at least look delicious?
Price: up to 10 points
This is self-explanatory: How affordable is the joint? Do you get your money’s worth?
Bar: up to 10 points
Nothing goes better with steak than a nice, clean martini. Do they make it correctly? Do they make other drinks to your liking? If you weren’t hungry, would you still hang out at the bar and snack on the food they serve there? How is the selection of top shelf liquor?
Specials and Other Meats: up to 10 points
Far be it the norm for me to order some other kind of meat besides steer when dining at a steakhouse, but some places offer great items like lamb, duck, chicken, pork, and veal (okay – same species, different age). In addition, they may have a specialty menu if you ask – something special from the chef, like a few rare cuts of 65-day aged prime ribeyes, or a fresh delivery of kobe beef. This plays along nicely with the “choice of cuts” review section, so be sure to check there as well.
Apps, Sides & Desserts: up to 10 points
How are the veggies like creamed spinach, grilled asparagus, garlic mashed potatoes and steak fries? What about the shellfish appetizers and the raw bar? I tend to prefer a scotch as my dessert, or perhaps a creme brulee, but what else do they have to help put the lion to sleep at the end of the meal?
Seafood Selection: up to 10 points
Oddly enough, aside from the typical shellfish appetizers, steakhouses offer some of the finest seafood you can find in the restaurant biz. Often they have crab legs or lobster by the pound when in season, and various filets of fish like sea bass, tuna, salmon and cod.
Service: up to 10 points
Too much service or too little? Is everything clean and are they friendly and helpful? Do they know their meat lingo? Are they all men waiters, or do they employ women? Many traditional steak houses feature an all male waitstaff. Nothing wrong with that. Steakhouses are places for men. Women should keep silent and look pretty if they are going with you.
Ambiance: up to 10 points
Last but not least, everything from decor, lighting, noise levels, room temperatures, crowd type, flatware, silverware and table organization are taken into account. Sure – a steak is a man’s meal, and real a man is usually not concerned with such feminine things like these, but, for some places, they could make for a more or less enjoyable meat-eating experience, so we must take them into account.