NYC Pizza Patrol

Alright. So in case you haven’t figured it out from other write-ups and posts on here, I come from a household that has 100% of its familial roots in Italy. Naples, Calabria and Sicily, to be exact. My family came here in the early 1900’s, so I am a bit far removed, but the traditions have held on tight through the generations.

One such tradition, as you can imagine, is an extremely food-centric culture around the house. And what could be more Italian-American than fucking pizza? I grew up shoveling the shit down my throat so much that I developed a very keen sense of what I think is good and bad in the world of pizza. My mother makes an amazing pie, and the skill set has been transferred to me as well. Yup; I, too, make an incredible pizza. If you ever get the opportunity to try one of my pizzas, you may want to wear some rubber undies just to be safe, because there’s pretty much no doubt that you’re going to cum in your pants from a pizza-induced food orgasm.

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But anyway, what about NYC, the pizza capital of the world? Wait a second… Did one of you whiny assholes say or think “what about Chicago?” FUCK Chicago. Chicago wins at hot dogs; I’ll give them that. But NYC holds the kingdom of pizza. Chicago pizza is a fucking joke. It truly is a “pie:” It’s thick, filled with all sorts of crap (besides cheese, tomato and herbs), and you need special shovel-esque equipment just to get the fucking slice out of the pie ring. Retarded.

Oh, and another thing… I generally don’t care for toppings. Occasionally I will do a pepperoni or some other nonsense, but for me, I want the basics: tomato sauce, mozzarella cheese, olive oil, basil, oregano, and a little salt and pepper. Sometimes simple is best. As such, here’s an in-depth, highly detailed diagram explaining exactly what I will be talking about in each pizza review:

pizza diagram

Okay where was I… Right, so what about NYC pizza joints, the best pizza places in the world? Check it out, fuckers. This is my breakdown of the types of places slinging pizza. I have things split out into three categories, and NO, chain shit-holes like Sbarro, Pizza Hut, Domino’s, Papa John’s, and Little Caesar’s don’t fucking count:

Category 1: Pie-Only Joints
At these joints, you can only order pizza by the pie. Sometimes they’re big, sometimes they’re small, but you can’t order a fucking slice. Why? Because fuck you, that’s why. For whatever reason, the proprietors of these joints feel that the integrity of their pizza must not be fucked with by cutting the shit up into a sliced format. I used to HATE this concept. What’s a hungry dude to do when he’s all by himself but still wants that pizza joint’s masterful slice, yet doesn’t want an entire pie? I’ve come around on this a bit though, as most of these places do make smaller pies that can easily be consumed by one person.

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Category 2: Pizza By The Slice
My standard for this category is to try a slice that has been pre-prepared and sitting under the display glass in the shop, and then reheated in the oven. Ideally I would like to try both (fresh pie and reheated), but if I had a choice, I would always pick a reheat as opposed to a fresh-out. Why? Oh man… here we go… It’s all about the crisp. A fresh-out pizza can be too hot, too oozy, and too floppy in the crust department. Pizza should be stiff when holding it, yet soft AND crisp when biting into it. When a cooked pizza has a chance to cool down, the structure changes and becomes more solid than liquid, and the crust is allowed to harden a little bit. When reheated, the crust only gets more crisp, and the cheese and sauce combo remain relatively in tact and won’t slide the fuck off your slice if you hold it in the air. Ever order a pie for delivery and it sits in the box the whole time while you wait for it to come? THE WORST. It’s all STEAM in that box, and the pizza gets EVEN MORE soggy and floppy, like a pair of empty-sock tits dangling off of a naked, wrinkly-assed 80-year old who’s bent over her walker. Anyway, if I have tried both, or just a fresh slice, you will hear about it. Otherwise you can assume the review is based off of a reheated slice.

Saluggi's Pizza - grabbed a slice of my favorite pizza in NYC to cap off the evening

Category 3: Dollar Slices
These babies are popping up all over Manhattan in some sort of unspoken rivalry to try to come up with the best slice for a buck or less. YES, I HAVE EVEN SEEN SOME PLACES WITH $0.89 SLICES! Great if you are on a budget. And you may be surprised with a few of these places; they’re not all crap!

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So below is an alphabetical listing of places I’ve tried, that I’m planning to try, or that have yet-to-be reviewed. The little number in parens beside the restaurant name refers to the category number described above. Currently my favorite is Mamma Santina’s. Unfortunately, though, you jackasses will have to trek out to Long Island if you want to try it. For Manhattan, your best bet is Saluggi’s for slices, or Capizzi’s for pies. And whatever you do… always, always, always… AVOID THE NOID!!!

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