Shove This Wiener In Your Mouth

So here is another recipe for your meat eating needs. This time we are exploring the wonderful world of tubed meat; the hot dog. This recipe and technique has NEVER let me down when entertaining guests. It’s cheap, easy, and fucking scrum-diddly-umptious. In short this is the best fucking hot dog meal you will ever eat in your entire meaningless life. I call it the Chesapeake Dog.


• the cheapest canned beer you can find
• half sour pickles
• hot dogs (preferably ones that plump while boiling)
• buns
• iceberg lettuce
• jalapenos
• onions
• ketchup
• dijon mustard
• sri racha sauce
• old bay seasoning
• bay leaves
• garlic powder
• pepper
• onion powder
• chili powder
• corn on the cob
• large boiling pot
• serving plate
• tongs
• a healthy sense of dick joke humor


Get a big boiling pot out onto your stove and dump an equal ratio of beer and water into it to serve as the base of your boiling liquid (for you complete idiots out there, that means three cans of beer and three cans of water, or six and six depending on how much you are making). I like to use Schaefer since it is usually under $7 for a 12-pack at my grocery store. Occasionally I will use Guinness as well, but that is kind of a waste of good beer, in my opinion.

Add your spices to the liquid – a few heaps of old bay, a few bay leaves, a healthy amount of pepper, onion powder and garlic powder too. You can drop an onion in there too if you have an extra laying around. Cut it up a bit so you can use it later rather than having a full soggy onion lapping around in there. Add your hot dogs and corn on the cob into the liquid and bring to a boil.

The corn is key here, because it adds a sweetness to the cooking liquid that will balance out the heat from the sauce you will make down below. Plus, nothing beats a good boiled corn on the cob as a side for your meat dish… except maybe more meat. Bust the corn in half if the pot is smaller.


While waiting for the dogs to blow up, you can prep your garnishes, fixings and sauces.

Slice the lettuce thinly, like the shredded lettuce you see at the sandwich shop. Slice your pickles and jalapenos long ways so that you can stretch them along the length of the hot dog buns when you assemble the dogs later on. Gather all ye sliced items neatly on a fixings plate and keep it all in the fridge until the dogs are done.


Now for the spicy onion hot dog sauce. First, thinly slice up an onion or two so that rings or long strips are formed (don’t chop, in other words). Leave some aside for raw garnish or toppings – add them to the fixings plate. With the remainder, you can chop into smaller bits if you like, but either way you must throw them in a small sauce pan on medium heat with a little olive oil at the bottom. Sweat them down so they get a little soft, and then lower the heat to simmer. At this point you can also add in the onion that is boiling away with the hot dogs too, or you can leave that for additional toppings later. Next add lots of ketchup so that the onions are covered. Stir often while trying to maintain light bubbling pops on the top. You dont’ want it boiling like crazy – just an occasional bubble. You’ll also want to add sri racha chili paste to your desired spice level during this phase as well.


Slam a Schaefer. Shotgun it if you still consider yourself a man. Get a good buzz going for yourself; after all, you deserve it. You have a huge pair of balls and a hot dog of your own swinging between your legs. When you are born blessed with equipment like that, there is a lot of responsibility that comes along with it. Slamming beers is one of those few male responsibilities than we can also take joy in at the same time. So drink up. The only place you need to go today is your backyard. Shit man, get tanked if you want.


Once the dogs are nice and fat, you can shut the heat before they start to split and burst. Don’t pluck them out of the water, however, until you are ready to assemble them on the buns. If desired, you can throw the dogs on the grill for some char flavor, but it is totally not necessary since these dogs will pack a nice flavor punch as is.

Remove the corn and onions with the tongs, letting them drip dry before transferring to a serving plate. Keep the onions along the side like a garnish, but coat both the onions and corn with a little chili powder.


Now you will get the hot dog factory ready; you will become a one man conveyer belt of meat. Here’s how you set them up for best eating practice:

Open bun, place pickle and jalapeno down first. Then create a nice cushion of shredded lettuce for the hot dog to sit on. Add the dog, and then top with the onion sauce and one or two thin slices of raw onion. Throw on a little dijon mustard and you are ready to rock.

Why all this work for a simple hot dog meal, you ask? Because they’re fucking better this way. The standard hot dog has no texture aside from the initial skin snap when you bite the dog, and that is almost disgusting. This method gives you hot and cold, it gives you crunch and softness, and it gives you sweet and heat, along with a really amazing grouping of flavors in general. So fuck this boring ass hot dog:


As always, eat… and then shit. As a side note, make sure you crack an inappropriate amount of dick jokes throughout the entire cooking, eating and shitting processes.