The 10 Manliest Steakhouses in America

If you’re like me and you revel in the fact that you have a big hairy sack of balls swinging between your legs, then you might be interested to know about some of the most manly places to sink your teeth into a chunk of beef. Here’s a list of places that I think would be perfect for your next steak night dinner, in no particular order, and based on personal experience or intense research:

1) Keen’s Steakhouse: Talk about manly. This place used to be men only, until some badass, take-no-bullshit broad waltzed in and started a revolution. But aside from the old time “men only” atmosphere, this place also rocks some manly taxidermy of game that was actually hunted by Teddy Roosevelt himself. The walls are filled with history, in fact. There’s even a playbill on the wall from the night Lincoln was assassinated.
72 West 36th Street, New York, NY 10018

2) Cattleman’s Steakhouse: Everything is big in Texas, as the saying goes. This place lives up to that old adage, because several of the menu items are advertised on the menu in POUNDS instead of girly ounces. The place sits on a sprawling ranch with tons of cool shit all around you, including nice scenery.
3450 S Fabens Carlsbad Rd, Fabens, TX 79838

3) George Martin’s Strip Steak: If you’re on your way out to the North Fork wineries, Fire Island, Montauk or the Hamptons for a weekend out of the Big Apple, make a pit-stop at this sleepy restaurant located on a dark neighborhood road near the Great South Bay. This place actually used to be a brothel back in the day, and there are even ghost stories and tales of hauntings to go along with all the nice T&A you see on the walls in this joint (classy nudes).
60 River Rd, Great River, NY 11739

4) Strip House: While we’re on the subject of clothes-less broads, we would be smart to mention this place, where you can also see a nice variety of old timey B&W tits and ass photos on the walls (again, classy nudes – nothing raunchy, unfortunately). If you’re out in Vegas with the guys, this is the perfect place to get the juices flowing with a solid dinner pre-game. I know one of the chefs who runs these restaurants and trains staff, so I can personally vouch for the incredible quality of the food and service here. Just wait until AFTER the meal to drink yourself into temporary memory loss. Trust me – you won’t want to forget this meal.
3667 S Las Vegas Blvd, Las Vegas, NV 89109

5) The Big Texan: What better way to celebrate manhood than to get involved with a steak eating contest at this Route 66 landmark legend of a restaurant? This place is famous for its 72oz steak challenge. You have to finish in an hour. Any man worth his weight in chest hair should be able to do this. But here’s the real kicker: the record is held by a woman, and she did TWO 72oz steaks in 15 fucking minutes!
7701 Interstate E 40, Amarillo, TX 79118

6) Gibson’s: The vibe here just oozes manliness. The old fashioned wood paneled walls, the photos of celebs and famous folks who have dined there, and the classic, iconic Chicago signage out front… it all just makes you salivate for a steak and martini.
1028 North Rush Street, Chicago, IL 60611

7) Mastro’s Ocean Club: This spot takes manly to the upscale level. This is the kind of place that men go to when they want to flash some coin for a great meal with great ambiance. This joint is literally ON the beach, so they even have a fantastic seafood selection if you’re feeling a little pussyish.
18412 Pacific Coast Hwy, Malibu, CA 90265

8) Dickie Brennan’s: This place is on the fancy side, but it comes correct. It also helps that it’s in a pretty awesome party town; New Orleans, right in the French Quarter. You can end your day of boozing and bluesing here with a nice fat steak before continuing the Bourbon Street debauchery well into the night.
716 Iberville St, New Orleans, LA 70130

9) Kevin Rathbun Steak: This jont delivers manly sized portions with the expertise of high caliber fine dining. Most joints go big but sacrifice quality in the process. Not the case here. The decor is pretty nice too: gray brick walls, metallic tree branch lighting and stained glass. This is your “converted warehouse” sort of joint, and as a man with hairy gonads, I like warehouses and all things industrial.
154 Krog St NE, Atlanta, GA 30307

10) Murray’s Steakhouse: This place keeps it classy, and has been for nearly 70 years. When you look at the restaurant from the street, you’ll think you’re on a movie set or that you just stepped off a fucking time machine, back into the golden age of America, when times were simpler. This joint boasts an impressive selection of beef cuts in an incredible variety of styles. It was opened up by a husband and wife team in 1946, so it makes a great romantic date spot as well as a destination for steak night with the guys.
26 S 6th St, Minneapolis, MN 55402

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Capital Grille (midtown west)

Capital Grille (midtown west, NYC) overall score: 84

One of the rising star steakhouse chains, Capital Grille has several locations around the country. This review is for the midtown west location in NYC.
Flavor: 8
Unfortunately, my Delmonico steak came rare despite ordering it medium. The replacement steak was not rested, and when I cut into it, it bled out all over my plate, leaving me with a pool of juice and a feverish struggle to finish before it got dry. The steak also had a bit of inedible fat on it, but it also did have some nice melty yummy fat too. It tasted good, but I had to add salt and pepper because they rushed my replacement and didn’t season it properly. I tasted the filet as well, since my coworker ordered the price fix for ladies (FYI he is not a she), which came with an 8oz filet (no bigger than a good burger). It was perfectly cooked and juicy. So rather than the minus 5 that this place would have gotten for the incredible steak mishap, I added a point back for the filet. Keep in mind that mishap threw off the entire flow of the meal. My coworker had to start eating otherwise his steak would have gotten cold, and I was sitting there poking at the sides while waiting for my unrested, unseasoned $45 steak. Sons of bitches… On a second visit I went for the $39 price fix theater menu’s Kona crusted sirloin, which comes in at 14oz. Not a bad steak for the deal, but I think the 8oz filet tasted better (my buddy got that). Either way the points went up here after the second visit. See pics below (FYI that is shallot butter that they dumped on the meat):
STEAKS
Choice of Cuts & Quality Available: 8
They have a fair selection here. They offer a filet and a filet oscar for the (!)s of the group (A (!) is a pussy – look at it closely). They have two preparations of sirloin (cognac peppercorn being one, and the other just being regular grilled/broiled), a porterhouse, and a ribeye. The essentials are covered with a little variation, but not enough to live up to other joints in the neighborhood. The ribeye was semi-bone-in. I say that not because it was a half-limp penis, but because there were two very small pieces of bone that were part of the cut. I was a little disappointed, like a woman if she tried to get it on with a guy that had a half flaccid penis instead of a rock-solid longbone.
Portion Size & Plating: 8
The portion sizes are good. My Delmonico was 22oz, and all the other cuts are on par with normal NYC steakhouse sizes.
Price: 8
Martinis were $11 (good); my Delmonico steak was $45 (semi-okay if not for the complete fuck-up of my order); the pussy-ass price fix dinner was a great deal at $39 (Caesar or mixed greens salad, filet or 14oz sirloin, 2 sides and dessert). Otherwise sides were $10; and apps were anywhere from $12 to $17. The total bill for two, including three drinks, was $165 with tax and tip included – not bad. Here is the very reasonable bill from my second visit, when we had the theater menu price fix:
BILL fix
Bar: 9
The bar is great. There are high ceilings and the whole area is sunken to ground floor level so that you are looking up at street level through the large, tall windows. It is elegantly decorated with wood panels, mounted and stuffed (ooooh yeaaah) deer heads, and nice moulding. My martinis were made well. I can definitely hang here. It is good after work, if you are into suits in midtown (which you probably aren’t, since you are a normal person).
Specials and Other Meats: 7
There’s not much on special by way of meats. That could’ve been because we were seated near the bar, but we were still given access to the full menu, including the price fix special. They have lamb and chicken for alterna-meats: a bit lacking if you ask me. Step up CG. With as many locations as you have, you can afford to throw some pork, veal, and maybe some venison onto the menus.
Apps, Sides & Desserts: 8
I had the “wagyu” carpaccio, which was delicious – probably the best part of the meal. The meat has a nice aged flavor, was very thinly sliced, and came with a nice peppery arugula dressed just right with a lemon aioli. There is nothing quite like priming the meat hole with some raw meat before adding some pounds of ribeye in. We tried the mashed potato and creamed spinach sides. The creamed spinach was just okay – it was creamy but the spinach itself seemed a little dried out. The mashed were good and creamy, lots of flavor, but after a few minutes of sitting out they became hard. For dessert we had ice cream, which came with a stick of biscotti. Sounds boring but the stuff is very rich and good. Especially the chocolate, and I usually hate chocolate. The creme brulee was perfect.
SIDES FIX
SALADS
Coconut cream pie is one of my top five NYC steakhouse desserts.
Seafood Selection: 9
A solid showing here for seafood. The standard shellfish apps were available, along with a special 3oz lump crabmeat item, which I was tempted to order. For entrees there was lobster, swordfish, salmon, tuna, and shrimp – all done a bit different from the usual ways, like cedar planking, Japanese tataki style, etc.
Service: 10
Great service considering we sat at a table near the bar area that was not part of the main dining room. Our waitress was attentive and helpful, and someone from the managerial staff came out with my replacement steak to make sure all was cooked well (medium)… cooked properly that is. The waitress even said as she saw me cut into the first steak: “You said medium, and that is definitely not medium. I don’t know what’s going on back there.” They brought over a free mashed potato app to make up for it – nice try but no dice, dicks. The table bread basket (which we had to ask for) was really nice. There was warm onion bread, hot square-shaped everything bagel-ish things, and a huge matzo-like cracker (similar to Maloney & Porcelli, only better). Kaboom. Small world… I’m eating dinner during the second visit here, and all the while I’m thinking the waitress looks familiar. At the end of the meal I hand her my Johnny Prime card and she says that she remembers me. She says she waited on me in a big group at Vic & Anthony’s. “Tracie” – crazy that she remembered the group. She left there b/c she didn’t like the management and b/c she wasn’t making good $, and the restaurant was always dead. Anyway she gave me some “passes” for their specialty cocktails and a fried calamari app. Pretty funny, and just goes to show how great the service is.
Ambiance: 9
Aside from the obvious corporate milieu, the decor is really nice. The dining room is beautiful – with a view into the kitchen on the first floor. The wall art is classy, the bathrooms are clean and stocked with nice thick paper towels, and it smells fresh. The floors were clean, the ceilings were high, the music was good, and the crowd was just the right size.
I added a few points to this review after a recent trip to celebrate both my birthday and my move back to Manhattan. This place is a solid choice in the neighborhood. And nothing beats the prix fix deal for dinner before 7pm.
Here are some additional photos. Notice the amazing service. They sprayed the table with a confetti cumshot (clown jizz) since they knew we were celebrating, and they also brought out complimentary champagne and dessert (cheesecake and brownie). Our waiter, Edgar, was amazing. He provides the kind of service you get at meals where you spend $200 per person. The manager Tim stopped by too and thanked us for our patronage. I’ll definitely be coming back more often. Tim recently came from Keens Steakhouse, and I’m glad he did, because he’s clearly doing something right!

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BURGER UPDATE 10/16/14

The ultimate burger is here at Capital Grill for the fall season, through around Thanksgiving. There are three different styles with a wine pairing for each. The one I stuffed down my esophagus tonight was 8oz of American Wagyu beef with havarti cheese, a fried egg and crispy fried onions on top. In other words it was a fucking cummy wet-dream on a bun.

Not only was the burger great, but so was our waiter, Jeremy. I felt like I’d known him for years! After my buddy graciously picked up the tab for the three of us and bolted to catch his train, me and my other buddy got to chatting with Jeremy about various different steak and burger places around town. Let’s just say I now have a bunch of new places on my short-list, both for burgers AND steaks. Thanks Jeremy: I truly appreciate the heads-up on those places, and I’m looking forward to dining at Capital Grill again, hopefully with you as the waiter.

Now on to the food pr0n. The burger was juicy as all fuck, tender and delicious. The beef quality is off the charts. This is by far the best burger I’ve had at a steakhouse. Look at this shit:

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The egg was perfectly cooked sunny-side up and it dribbled down nicely into the meat without fucking up the bun. Like a sloppy BJ without any chick-spit hitting your balls or the sheets underneath your ass. Unreal. And the fries were perfect! Nice and crispy, well seasoned, soft inside. They offer a parmesan herb french fry too, with their regular menu burger, which I also want to try (these Wagyu fucks are a special offering only). And the wine I picked was a really nice Pinot Noir. Smooth.

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My buddy opted for the Wagyu burger that was “Kona crusted” in an earthy coffee grind mixture, and topped with caramelized onions (and the havarti cheese). Looks sexy – like a slutty-but-not-quite-fat voluptuous chick who dresses in too-tight clothes and needs a good pounding to satisfy her craving for male attention:

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That’s about it for now, you bastards. I’m sure I will be back before Thanksgiving to try out some more burgers here.

BURGER FOLLOW UP 4/8/15

I returned for the Kona wagyu burger when it was offered again in early April. I was delighted to see that Jeremy was there tending bar and actually remembered me! Such a professional, and we talked again about various burger joints. Funny part was that Tracie, who I mentioned above re: Vic & Anthony’s, waited on my wife and I! Pretty neat. She even threw in some desserts for us on the house. A-plus service at this joint, all the way! Anyway, I like the egg burger better than the Kona crust. Despite the meat being amazing quality, I still lean towards a traditional American cheeseburger with a potato bun and your standard lettuce, tomato and onion.

cap grill wagyu

cap grill wagyu half

BURGER FOLLOW UP 9/22/17

It’s that time of year again, wagyu and wine!

This baby has aged cheddar and thick cut candied bacon on top.

CAPITAL GRILLE
120 W. 51st St.
New York, NY 10020

Ed’s Chowder House

NOTE: THIS PLACE IS CLOSED

Another neighborhood find, we came here because of the great happy hour deal. Cheap beer, cheap oysters, and cheap sliders. The sliders were so damn good that I vowed to return for a real burger. The cheese sauce on them was absolute heaven.

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Fries were wonderful – great seasoning and nicely crisped.

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Oysters were nice and fresh, clams too! At only $1.50 and $1 respectively, you can’t lose!

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Various chowders were nice too. My favorite here was the potato, with smoky hints of bacon.

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Salmon burgers are skippable:

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On a second trip, my wife scored a Gilt City deal where she paid something like $40/pp for a five course tasting menu, plus a glass of Prosecco.

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The table bread here is a variety of soft potato dinner rolls, corn bread “logs” and spicy muffins. Pretty good – I just wish they were warm.

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The restaurant ran out of mussels for our shellfish platter, so they gave us more oysters instead. BONUS! Our favorite was the Wildfire Island (unless it is Wild Fire Island?) – it was briny and smooth, creamy, crisp – yet substantial and not snotty or runny.

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Unfortunately the lobster was a little bland. The rest was good though (clams and shrimp).

Next was a nice cup of chowder. I had the mushroom chowder (right), and my wife had the New England clam chowder. Mine was the winner here. It was velvety and smooth, with lots of flavor, and topped with some truffle oil for good measure.

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The scallop ravioli was pretty great. There were a ton of scallop chunks inside. The only thing this dish needed was a bit of fresh cracked boac keeper. The sauce was a butter type deal – I suppose that could have used a little bit more salt as well, but we both really enjoyed this dish. It had a great seafood aroma too, but the flavor wasn’t fishy at all.

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For the entrees, we chose the two fish items. My Scuna Bay salmon was a small portion, but I thought it was executed perfectly. The brownish-gray puree was made of eggplant I believe, and it was tangy when combined with the roe and small chunks of squash. That served to flavor the salmon so that when you had a bite with a little bit of everything, i twas very well balanced.

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My wife’s potato chip crusted cod was similar. When eating a bit with all three components (cod, chip and spinach), you got a really nicely balanced bite. Otherwise the cod by itself was a little bit under seasoned. Much of the flavor was soaked up into that spinach bed.

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For dessert we had a massive selection to choose from:

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We ended up getting the vanilla banana cream pie. This was tasty. You can see the chunks of banana in the layer, which was pretty. Not too sweet, which I was happy about.

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My wife ordered the Cheeky Monkey drink as well. This was strong! Definitely had a strong banana flavor to it too, aside from the booze.

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The waiter gave us some free cookies too. I can’t imagine paying for these. Basic chocolate chip, peanut butter, oatmeal raisin and chocolate. I wasn’t really crazy about any of them, but if I had to choose a favorite, it’d be the oatmeal raisin. It was at least soft.

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Overall this was a pretty great meal for $40 or $45 per person (whatever my wife paid). She got a discount on top of the Gilt City deal, so that made it even better. I still like the sliders better that all of this though, from the happy hour menu.

ED’S CHOWDER HOUSE
44 W. 63rd St.
New York, NY 10023

Chutney Kitchen

I’ve always said that Indian food is probably the least photogenic food out there. It’s probably the most flavorful cuisine, in terms of raw power, so it’s kind of a weird dynamic. Anyway, this joint is sort of like Indian food meets American grab-and-go lunch.

For example, take a look at this “Board Meeting” wrap, which has roti, chicken, rice, tikka, cucumber, tomatoes, chickpeas, kale and a cilantro chutney. I was hoping for a bold-flavored sandwich. Unfortunately it was a bit on the bland side. Perhaps it relied too heavily on the rice and not on the chicken and tikka.

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My wife got the “All Sunshine” salad, which was the better of the two items. It had rice, lentils, cucumber, tomatoes and date chutney with cilantro. It may look like shit, but it tasted pretty nice for a salad.

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The real star of the meal, however, was the order of fries. They were spiced with a little bit of curry powder that made them pop. They were crispy outside and soft inside. Delicious.

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CHUTNEY KITCHEN IS CLOSED

One More, Senor

My brother in-law inadvertently invented one of the greatest drinks ever described to me. One night he made himself a margarita or two. After drinking, there were still some tasty, salty, boozy ice cubes left in his glass that he didn’t want to go to waste. So he decided to throw a shot of tequila into that bitch. Then he cracked open a beer and poured that into the glass (perhaps it was a Corona?), and followed it up with some agave syrup. Why toss out those delicious margarita ice cubes when you can have one last drink with them? We were mulling over a name for this genius cocktail at Easter dinner when it hit me like a bolt of lightning…

Call it “One More, Senor!”

Tabata

Tabata is a small, no bullshit ramen joint on the corner of 40th Street and 8th Avenue.

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The place is legit. Nothing fancy inside either – it gets right down to fucking business.

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We started with some crispy baby octopus. These were tasty. Not the most tender I’ve had, but the crisp was nice and the lemon really made them pop.

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I had “lava men,” which is their tonkotsu broth (I chose pork rather than chicken) with a spicy kick. It was pretty good. Noodle quality was good to above average, flavor was good, and I had two very nice slices of pork that were soft and flavorful with no rubbery chew. Great part about this little joint is that you get a whole egg in your ramen, not just a half. A third slice of pork would have been awesome, but at only $11 it really was a great bargain.

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The real winner here though was my wife’s bowl of “tabata” ramen, which is the owner’s Burmese, non-traditional version of ramen, with a soy and coconut curry broth that was both sweet and savory, with a little kick of spice and some fresh herbage from the onion and cilantro. This was so creamy and flavorful. Man. Amazing. One thing I would love to see is a little pile of sliced red chili peppers for a little extra boom in the spice department.

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TABATA
540 9th Ave
New York, NY 10018

The Smoky Mountain Beehive

This is a really fucking simple drink recipe that packs a lot of flavor. I call it “The Smoky Mountain Beehive” for a few reasons. It is “smoky” from the peaty scotch. It is “Smoky Mountain” because of the Tennessee whiskey aspect. And bee-cause of the honey flavor, I went with beehive. See below:

  • 1 part Laphroaig (or any other equally peaty scotch)
  • 1 part Jack Daniels Tennessee Honey whiskey (or you can double the Laphroaig and add some straight honey into the mix)
  • 1 part orange liqueur
  • 1 part orange juice
  • 1 part seltzer

Pour contents over ice into a shaker. Shake the fuck out of it. Pour contents of shaker into a lowball and drink up. I like this with rocks, and it can be garnished with an orange peel or some other bullshit.

Ornella Trattoria

Meet Giuseppe Viterale, a meat man after my own heart.

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After putting his architecture career to the side, Giuseppe came to the US from Italy, sight unseen. He diligently worked his way up through the restaurant industry, all the way from bus boy, to waiter, to manager, and, eventually, to owner of his own restaurant, Ornella, which is romantically named after his wife of 25 years and staffed with his sons.

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But that’s not where it ends. Giuseppe owns a pig farm in the Catskills where he spends lots of time working on and perfecting new recipes, and curing his own meats. SAY WHAT!?!??

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For the last few years, he’s been making his own prosciutto, fresh sausages, cured sausages, nduja sausages and other delicious meat items that end up on the seasonal and special menus at Ornella. As you can imagine, the result is a restaurant that is very meat-centric, fresh, dynamic and locally sourced. Shit, he even has a pretty impressive steak menu and hosts a steak night on Mondays for $15… FIFTEEN DOLLARS!!!

But this isn’t just a place for meat eaters either. There’s a sizable vegetarian selection, and the menu boasts an array of authentic Italian dishes. There’s even some unique items like duck meatballs and sanguinaccio (a chocolate blood pudding dessert), inventive sauces like pistachio pesto sauce and orange brandy sauce, and interesting pasta dishes made from hemp, buckwheat and chestnut flour – all made fresh in house.

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They’ve even recently added a pizza selection for the delivery menu:

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The joint has even been featured on ABC’s Eyewitness News:

My wife and I stopped in for a complimentary press dinner after Giuseppe reached out to me and let me know about his gem of a restaurant in Astoria.

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Giuseppe has an incredibly magnetic personality. He is overflowing with information and a desire to impart his knowledge of food history, his food philosophy and his ideas about food culture onto everyone around him. He has actually even considered hosting classes for this very reason. But what exactly is his philosophy? That food, what we eat, how we eat it, and the quality and history of our dishes, is central to everything; our humanity, our health and well being, our economy, our interpersonal relations, and our understanding of one another. And he’s right. The kitchen is the center of any home. The table is where we congregate as a family and actually interact with one another. In a living room, we simply stare at the television. All peoples with rich cultures have rich food cultures, he explained. One thing that crosses cultural, visual, and audio-linguistic barriers is our common need and desire for food. Food brings people together.

Another interesting aspect of Giuseppe’s philosophy was what he referred to as “slow food.” With everything becoming expensive and factory-commercialized, with the proliferation of fast food joints and instant gratification meals, he was drawn to start making his own products and spend real time making dishes as opposed to just buying products and preparing them for diners. This is how the pig farm started. Giuseppe found that he could either buy nduja sausage for $80, which wasn’t that good to begin with and was very difficult to find in the form he wanted due to embargoes and other impediments, or he could make his own and control every aspect of the flavor, just how he wanted. He explained that he could actually verify where an animal came from and what it ate while living, unlike what is happening now with “prosciutto di Parma.” He could ensure the quality, the spice level, and the firmness or texture of whatever he was making. He could take different parts of the animal and cook them each in their correct way in order to utilize the entirety of the animal without wasting the undesirable parts. So many places only cook the items that are quick and easy to move off the line in a kitchen. “Slow food” is more respectful to the product and the environment, he explained.

His passion and respect for food shines through his dishes, as does his inviting, innovative and creative personality. He has applied his background in architecture to his food endeavors. “In order to have a strong building, you first need to build a good foundation,” he said. Quality ingredients, strong, basic cooking techniques… “Then you can build up, you can build flavors.” Well if cooking is architecture, then Giuseppe is Frank Lloyd Wright, and his food is the Guggenheim. Not only is he great with the foundations, but he is wildly creative as he builds up from there.

Here’s what we tried:

First there were the massively poured goblet of Montepulciano wine. Very smooth yet robust and flavorful. A perfect red for meat eating. I had read about the large glasses of wine served here online. This was a treat, and they certainly live up to their reputation of BIG wine pours.

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The bread was a nice rustic style, crisp and flakey on the crust and soft and savory on the inside.

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Giuseppe sat with us and explained the two different types of sausages we were about to try, both of which were homemade at the farm upstate.

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First was the nduja, which is a Calabrian-originated product that is somewhat similar to French andouille, only soft like a pate, as well as spicy. It was spread across a nice slice of farm house bread. The main ingredients are pork belly and red peppers. Simple and delicious.

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I’ve never had anything like this before, where it can be spread across bread like butter or pate. It was absolutely amazing. The spice level was mild to medium, so it didn’t ruin your taste buds for the rest of the meal.

Next was the hard, dried sausage. This was aged and cured perfectly. It would make for a really amazing thin-sliced charcuterie plate, but it is equally great to just gnaw on like jerky. It had a wonderful natural flavor. You knew you were eating something that was made with care.

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We had the pleasure of trying the famous duck meatballs for our appetizer. In the center was a blend of mild cheeses like mozzarella and ricotta, so as not to take away any attention from the duck.

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The orange brandy sauce was a classic pairing with the duck, yet presented in an innovative Italian way in the form of a meatball. Those are raisins you see garnishing the plate as well.

Next up was probably my favorite of the savory courses. Pork chop, pounded flat, lightly breaded and fried, and rolled up / stuffed with mushroom, spinach and cheese, dressed in a marsala wine sauce with mushrooms and served  with absolutely perfectly executed cavatelli.

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Cavatelli is my favorite kind of pasta, so for me to rave about it here means a little something extra. I loved it – every last bite.

Next was some “slow food” braised beef short rib, on the bone, and served with gnocchi. This was topped with a reduction of the braising liquids, which was essentially carrots, celery, onion and a little bit of tomato.

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Despite the fact that I am not a huge fan of gnocchi to begin with (too starchy and often gummy for me), I really did enjoy this dish. The beef was tender and fell off the bone, and the sauce was impressive. When I heard “reduction of the braising liquid” I was expecting something very salty. This was actually kind of light for a beef sauce. Impressive.

Last, but certainly not least, was the absolute star of the show for both my wife and I. You can’t get it anywhere else in the world, as a matter of fact. Only in Astoria at this small restaurant. This is the sanguinaccio. It is a raviolo made from a mixture of chestnut and regular flour, fried up like an empanada but stuffed with a 50/50 mixture of pigs blood and chocolate, to make a blood pudding that’s been spiced with cinnamon, clove, orange peel and sugar. If I had to guess, 90% of people would cringe at the description of this, but all you need to do is take one fucking bite and you will have your entire world turned on its head.

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This is definitely a bucket dish: a dish to put on your bucket list, something you must try before you die. And I’m not the only one who thinks this way. This dish (as well as another made by Giuseppe), was featured in the book “1000 Foods to Eat Before You Die,” written by famous New York Times food critic Mimi Sheraton.

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I really can’t say enough good things about that dessert. It was amazing, and I’m generally not a sweets guy, and certainly not a chocolate guy. I’ve never seen blood served in a dessert manner. I’d had my fair share of blood sausages, congealed blood cubes like gelatin in asian soups, etc. But never like this in dessert. Amazing. I’ll definitely be back here soon, and I hope you make your way there as well. Go and experience this rare dish, and fall in love with all the other great innovations that Giuseppe has to offer. He’s truly a talented man.

ORNELLA TRATTORIA
29-17 23rd Ave.
Astoria, NY 11105

White Castle

I hath finally discovered thine best burger in Manhattan, formerly conceived as the colony of Amsterdam. I’ve been journeying on this epic quest for ages now. Alas my search ends at a stunning castle of purest white. And lo, therein, I found a most affordable selection of splendid meat sandwiches hitherto identified as “sliders.” This one doth haveth cheese:

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But neigh… other of thine sliders dost not be adorned with thou cheese.

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Oft, it is said, thy cheeseless meat sandwich is thy preferred modus of feasting. Yay brothers, sisters, and good fellow countrymen: let ye rejoice in the feasting that occurs at this most enchanting Castle of White.

Alright enough of that fucking garbage. This is my April Fools post. But I have to say… I DO fucking love these little pieces of shit. I don’t care that they smell like garbage and make you piss out of your asshole at a rate equivalent to one hour of ass-pissing per slider. They rule.

WHITE CASTLE
525 8th Ave
New York, NY 10018

Num Pang

My wife recently “brought home the bacon” a few times with some delicious sandwiches from this joint.

First was the special Ad Rock (from the Beastie Boys) sandwich, which had pastrami and all the typical SE Asian sandwich fixings. This was pretty awesome, and came with cream soda and a bag of chips:

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ad rock sandwich 2

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Then she came home tonight with a trio of hard, pipe-hittin’ niggaz that would bring even Marsellus Wallace to his knees:

Catfish: my favorite of the three, I think. Oddly enough. This was light, flavorful and really well balanced between spicy, sweet, hot, cold, soft and crunchy.

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Pork belly: my second favorite. Deliciously soft thick-cut pork belly that was braised to a jerk worthy flavor level. I took three pics of this bitch.

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Brisket: my least favorite of the three, probably because it had too much western style BBQ flavor going on. Otherwise this was a killer sandwich as well. LOTS of meat here too.

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These ain’t your typical banh mi sandwiches, but they are fucking awesome.

NUM PANG
148 W 48th St
New York, NY 10036